So Spring strides toward us hat in hand, bowing to the last remnants of Winter. The powerful purging elements rise from the depths, urging us to shed more layers of the smog, to reveal more of our brilliance: that bright, overflowing light that is our divine birthright.
Like many of us I am undergoing quantum shifts in my personal evolution. Over the last year or so I have been refining and releasing many of the toxic elements that were weighing me down. Old belief systems, subconscious programming and out-moded ideas and notions. I feel completely different. I feel clearer, calmer, I have more joy, more love and I have a larger sense of my purpose and exactly what it is I bring to the table.
For the last few years and especially in the last year or so -much of which I have explored on this blog – I have attracted many toxic elements in my personal relationships, namely those friendships with some of the women in my life. This area of my life has been under construction for some time. Sadly, I was still allowing many negative aspects to snare and enmesh me and often times pull me off my center.
My soul has been whispering collective truths through my energetic ears, urging me to really access more of my power and the vaster reaches of my capacity for light. So this ultimately meant there were still some roadblocks I needed to dismantle in order for me to take forward strides.
I still had a situation in my life with someone I didn’t feel was really a true friend but who I somehow felt beholden to and to whom I couldn’t reveal the truth about how I really felt. I didn’t want to hurt them but what happened was I ending up hurting myself more and subsequently allowed them to hurt me too many times with their behaviour. I know I should have turned my back on them a long time ago but still I did not. I feel completely battered and bruised because I allowed this unstable person to bombard me with their constant criticism and blame of me, their pettiness, their neediness and the continual drama. I’ve really had to own and take responsibility for why I allowed this. It was a deeply draining relationship with someone that should have just remained a work colleague and never entered into the realm of friendship. I had already cut off all contact with them in the past when our schedules changed. And then I witnessed them going through a breakdown, my heart went out to them and then ‘Bam!’ before I knew it I was entangled and enmeshed in the shit and the mud. So that really was my fault.
It was out of a deep empathy that I wanted to help but I knew in my heart of hearts it was never right for me. I never felt a real connection, we were definitely not on the same wavelength and almost every time I spent time with them I felt incredibly empty afterwards. We had some lovely moments for sure but it just wasn’t enough, it was completely unbalanced and more importantly I didn’t enjoy it. I ignored my own intuition and guidance because I think on some level I really craved a close connection with another female that I could really be myself and reveal all of the many layers of who I was. But deep down I always knew they were not the right person for me to do this with. And I think for a while I was even pretending to myself, making excuses for their behaviour and severely diminishing myself in the process.
I think that growing up with a temperamental, moody, angry, jealous and completely self-absorbed mother has meant that I’ve always had a ridiculously high tolerance for friends who also displayed some or all of these qualities. It was like a marathon of endurance. One that I somehow felt I didn’t have a right to refuse, that it was somehow my lot in life because that’s all I had experienced in the past. It was a casserole of stale ingredients that I somehow insisted on keeping warm instead of discarding. And all the while I felt like a fraud, like I was living a lie and to be brutally honest I was. I do deeply regret that I let it go on for so long. My boyfriend constantly urged me “To get rid, that it wasn’t right for me and that they didn’t get me at all”. But still I persisted like a misguided warrior.
I have to own that I didn’t have the courage to really spell it out. That this relationship – if you can even call it that – was not and never was true or real for me and that it was too inconsistent. And most pertinent of all was that we were at completely different stages of our development. I was no longer lost or deeply insecure about who I was. I had confidence in my abilities and I was not locked into a tennis match of negative voices in my head. I think I knew that if I tried to really voice and express how I felt it would not be met with maturity or understanding and besides I had openly allowed the focus to always be on them, so my feelings were very low down on the agenda. I also knew that there would be an element of blame or criticism because that was the pattern with them and I had grown so tired and battered from this especially as for the most part it was all their own projections and jealousy.
I am not perfect at all and have never claimed to be. I’ve definitely had my less than ideal behavioural moments and I’ve made many, many mistakes. But for the most part I’ve always tried not to take my crap out on others, to apologise when I’m in the wrong, to try to understand where others are coming from and act in a mature manner, even when faced with the most immature behaviour displayed around me. These are my own personal values.
I have always had a lot of love to give to others and people sense that, so it’s often been a pattern of one way traffic. I have been constantly criticised by this person for being in my own world, which was always laughable considering how much time they spent in their own head and how ungrounded they were . On countless occasions I have witnessed their completely unprofessional conduct, where one minute they would appear smiling and then the next minute they would completely lose themselves to episodes of rage, stomping, banging and shouting at those around them, often including and especially directed at me. It was so wearing.
This up and down, mentally changeable behaviour was exactly what I had endured as a child. You never knew when it was coming so it was often utterly bewildering to my own cognitive processes. I was often left wracking my brains to deduce what I had done to upset them, exactly what I had done wrong. I know now as an adult that other people’s crazy and volatile outbursts are to do with their own unresolved issues, their own unbalanced brain chemistry and perhaps a myriad of other reasons that in the larger sense are not really anything to do with you but somehow get directed and projected at you. But still I’m sensitive and besides it is upsetting and jarring and I hadn’t fully healed that. My mother’s mental health issues are completely undiagnosed and so it’s often harder to feel a validation for what I have experienced. This is where the term gaslighting comes into play, the sashaying between extremes of moods, the intense display of emotions then followed by a softer but completely fake and manic niceness, where you are left spinning, completely bewildered and perplexed. This was my reality for years and it continues every time I spend time with my mother. But I now know that I do have an option of omitting this from most of my life in the people I choose as friends and with the rest keeping a friendly distance.
But yes they were partly right about being in my own world. I do have a tendency to go into my own bubble, especially when I don’t feel safe around angry behaviour, or I’m bored and under stimulated with the situation or the people moaning on and on about the same things around me. But I can say that I’m no longer locked in the prison of my own mind. These days I am usually thinking about physics, or a science question I’m pondering or I’m sensing energy and light that is around myself and others. My studies and my own guides have really opened this up for me in the most beautiful ways. The irony is actually for the most part I feel more present than I have in a long time. People often misinterpret not reacting and being in a more neutral state as if you are ungrounded or cold and unfeeling. When in actual fact it’s the complete opposite and it’s just that you are trying to keep a distance from them because you are completely bored to tears with the constant moaning and drama, so you’d rather think about something more interesting.
Life is passing by so quickly – I will be 50 at the beginning of next year – and I don’t feel I really have the time anymore to waste on attempting to tolerate the intolerable. One of my biggest fears has always been about really shining my light out there because I was so violently abused for that. I also have a family that will, to this day, kill off any notions of displaying your gifts and talents with the swiftness of an animal about to ravage its prey. And all credit to me – I am now very confident in my own talents and skills yet I have been scared about really embracing them more fully out in the world because as a child I was vilified and physically tortured for being strikingly gifted at so many different things, so of course that runs deep. The belief that it’s never really been safe to shine seemed like a blockade I couldn’t maneuver past. I am fully confronting this fear and it is dissipating and I will continue to face it until it’s integrated and divinely alchemised.
I have grown so tired of people’s excuses for bad behaviour. We have all experienced trauma, abandonment, pain and hurt. And yes we are all entitled to our moments but it doesn’t give us a free pass to continually bludgeon those around us or that we have to constantly acquiesce to their incessant demands and petty grievances. We have to take responsibility for what we give out into the field of consciousness that surrounds us. Pollution of the Earth is not just about dropping plastic it’s also about dropping our waste into the laps of those we see day in and day out. Do we want to constantly vomit and soak others with our negative emotions or do we want to take responsibility for our moods and triggers and become the master of our own reality?
We know instinctively that when we allow others to trigger us we give away our power, when we look inside gently and with commitment we become powerful at clearing and sifting and turning that base metal into gold. This is what I am doing. I don’t have to take on every lost soul that comes across my path. Or tolerate inconsistent and volatile behaviour. I do have the right to not get involved if I don’t want to or keep a kind, but safe distance. It’s been a huge learning curve for me. And it has been years in the making.
I have been deeply hurt by this person’s behaviour. They were incapable of acknowledging any of my feelings and perhaps never will due to their own insecurities but this is no longer my concern. I am expressing myself in my writing and to the right people that I choose. My emotional bruises are healing and I will carry on radiating my light.
I have absolutely no doubt that the universe orchestrated this dynamic and the many others in my past in order for me to heal this deep and foreboding fear. It’s the fear of shining my light, the fear of how being in my power will antagonise others, as it has so often done in the past. The fear that I will somehow be hurt if I do stand out there in my full glory because I have been so deeply hurt over and over again from others projections and their inability to challenge their own egos. People can and do project their frustration, irritation and anger onto you if you are too serene, too happy, too creative, too pretty, too confident, too smart, too knowledgeable – and the list goes on – but I am in the process of overcoming this and it will not stop me. I have too much I need to do. And I don’t want to relinquish anymore time on pushing parts of myself down.
I have completely severed the energetic chords of this relationship and I feel free again and I know I need to maintain and be vigilant about my boundaries. I am a born healer I’ve always struggled to maintain boundaries thinking I must be available to all at all times but this has been like a hammer over the head and the final nail in the coffin! I am transitioning from the wounded healer into a more powerful guided healer. We have to be so mindful about what and who we let into our life and our energy field because if we don’t it will bring us down or thwart our forward movement. It can be subtle but insidious. Do we really want the verbal diarrohea of others contaminating our energetic bodies? Our energy is precious and it can so easily be drained when we are constantly around negative people or we allow them free reign to offload.
One thing I do know is that we must forgive if we want to be free. We must forgive others, for they don’t know what they don’t know. We are all developing at different speeds and rates. It’s all a learning process, hopefully they will learn for their own growth, just as you have but if they don’t that’s not your issue. But I think most of all, the hardest one is that we must forgive ourselves. If we let people hurt us over and over we cannot really blame them as it’s really down to us. It’s our responsibility to sever the ties, to speak up or to ignore them if we choose or even completely turn our backs. And we can’t feel bad or guilty about not wanting to be around these situations or people. Life is too short to endure these unhealthy distressing situations. Even if they will never acknowledge their own behaviour or what it does to those around them, we have to let that go. Our business is the business of healing ourselves – people will always do what people do. And even if you see the good points of that person involved, if it doesn’t feel right then it isn’t right. It is as simple as that.
It has been healing spending time with loving women who have allowed me to really voice and express my most vulnerable parts, my sore spots and not be judged for it, to have the uninterrupted space to really speak, explore and express all of the challenges and also all of the good stuff that is happening because there are many exciting developments happening on a daily basis for me. I am really on the cusp of spreading my wings and stepping up in larger and more profound ways. I am so grateful to have this space to just be who I am, to be seen and witnessed and accepted. I no longer want to hide the good stuff from those in my life because it will make someone else jealous or insecure. I think we have to be discerning about what and who we reveal ourselves to but I am tired of pushing down parts of myself so as not to antagonise others or make others feel worse about themselves. We don’t have to spend years or months pandering to others insecurities. Let them rise to meet us or let them go.
Like many of us on the planet at the moment I feel I have a mission in life. And I definitely don’t want to show the worst of myself like many others around me do. I want to impart the world in bigger ways with my light, my unique talents, my knowledge and my being-ness. And even though there is always the question of “Who am I to be happy when so many people are so lost, so lonely, so miserable?” I cannot continue to feel guilty for being dedicated to my path and working through so much pain and coming out the other side a better human being. Because who am I not to be happy, content and powerful in my personal and professional life? I’ve really put in the hard work.
I have had to have the heart of a warrior to get through some of the deep wounding of my past and I’ve been through sheer hell which at times I never thought I would emerge from. I’ve taken on so much in my life and healed so much too but it’s an ongoing process. But like many others walking this path I’m grateful and proud of the work I’ve done, I’ve made many mistakes but I’ve learnt and I continue to learn. And no matter what anyone has done to me they cannot stop the flow of love in my heart. I have not shut down that capacity for genuine love. I have outrageous depths of love to give, to be in service, to assist my fellow human being. But I can no longer give of myself in my personal life for only scraps and crumbs in return. This outrageous love has a boundary that needs to be put in place so it can continue to exponentially ignite those it comes into contact with. Love doesn’t always have to be soft and mushy, it can also be strong. Love can say I do not accept this any longer, I am worth more than this, if you can’t treat me in the ways I truly deserve you will not be in my life! It doesn’t make ‘them’ bad people they are just not ‘our’ people. And then we allow that chapter to come to an end and then another one begins.
This is my Truth.
https://www.instagram.com/lunabellatahni/?hl=en. Check me out on instagram.