Bridging the Division

We live in a very separatist world. It is a world of polarities, of opposing sides and positions.  As human beings we are relegated to being either good or bad, peaceful or angry, a Madonna or a whore, pure or impure, broken or fixed, healed or unhealed, poor or rich, sane or insane and the list goes on and on – it’s the bibliography of our existence. But I think one of the biggest polarities we face in our evolution is whether we are either Spiritual or Factual/Reality based.  Because as of yet Science has not yet managed to prove the omnipotent, the omniscient and the ineffable.  So we’ve been shoved into one camp or another. We are often metaphorically strong-armed to pick a side and stay there, indoctrinated to make our choice.

 The reality is that most human beings are a smorgasbord of different beliefs, preferences and experiences.  Human beings are a burgeoning pot of overflowing ingredients that offer many different flavours and hues.  But mostly we respond to structure and delineations, to data and commonly held beliefs, often to our own detriment.

Thank goodness there are many Scientists I have been fortunate enough to be led to discover and study that are committed to bridging the gap between Science and Spirituality.  There is a plethora of cutting edge Science that is literally dangling over the cusp of becoming more mainstream. The Multi-verse theory is such an example.  Even the late great Stephen Hawking said something along the lines of that it would be incredibly arrogant and short-sighted of us to believe that we were the only race to exist in the entire omni-verse. If we exist then there are almost certainly bound to be other planets that have life on them.  With over 200 billion stars in this galaxy, there could be 11 billion ‘Goldilocks Zone’ Earth-size planets in this Milky Way Galaxy alone.  It is not extraordinary or rare.  Earth is a planet in the so called ‘Goldilocks Zone’, neither too far or too close to its sun -our sun – which is a main Sequence G2 Dwarf Star. Astronomers with the Kepler Space Telescope detected several thousand stars that could potentially have planets in the life-friendly Goldilocks Zone.  More than 2,000 exoplanets have already been identified.  So there is ultimately the potential for there to be life on billions of other planets.

It is fairly common that people with an innate or ever-expanding thirst for all things spiritual are often relegated into the small parameters of a place called ‘La La Land’ where apparently they wouldn’t know the real world if it bit them on the behind!  Time after time spiritual seekers are diminished to nothing more than flaky, fly by night types who cavort in realms with fairies, dragons and unicorns. The misconception is that they only have their own over-extended imaginations to keep them company. 

It seems much more acceptable in recent times to admit you have mental health issues or that you are launching yourself headfirst into self-care and self-development as long as you keep yourself away from the ‘woo-woo’s’ and have your feet on dry land.

We’ve come a long way from keeping mental health issues locked in a hermetically sealed box and this advancement in our evolution is important and I’m glad that the shame around it is being dismantled.

But what is sad is that even at this point in our spiritual evolution as a planet, many believe that as spiritual beings we are still in our infancy.  It’s often outlawed to admit you are spiritual. That you see energies, spirits or accept guidance from beings that are not from this planet.  People often mistake spirituality for religion. That if you are spiritual then it really means you are religious and may whack someone over the head with scripture from the weighty book. To be spiritual definitely does not automatically mean you are religious or entertain any of the control mechanisms put in place to keep religion alive.  

But what does being spiritual in the modern world really mean?  Well, I don’t think it holds a lot of weight for many.  It’s taken with a pinch of salt.  Or you get comments such as “Aren’t you worried people will think you are crazy?”  Despite the fact that you are more stable than most of the people around you, you sadly still get labeled as a fruitcake or someone who has little grasp of reality.  You are often judged as an unverifiable bandwidth that doesn’t connect to the real problems of every day life. And of course there are always extreme examples of people who do completely live their lives in a haze of unrealistic entitlements, who believe that some being with wings will take away all of their problems.  There is no power in this, we can have assistance from angels for sure, but mostly we are here to clean our own mess up, with the assistance of spirit.  No being will do that entirely for us.  How would we learn otherwise? Consciousness has to be earned, no one will drop that in our laps. 

Many spiritual people are met with a metaphorical slapping down or at the very least a rolling of eye, a snarl or snigger of the mouth when you mention past lives, entities, aliens, discarnates, dark force frequencies and many other things.  Of course Shamans have been interacting with the forces of the universe for millennia.  They track through our past lives to find the original source of the wound that we are struggling with today. They converse with spirits and plants and beings that are not from this solar system.  Shamans move energy. If you have an undesirable energy attached to you, they will remove it.  A psychic will only tell you what they see, they usually can’t move energy. But a shaman will clear and rebalance any foreign energies in your system.  This is why I embarked on shamanic training.  Because it’s effective, it works.  The proof is in the pudding.  Shamans have a foot in both worlds, this is their gift. They are able to straddle both the polarities and thrive doing so.

But as with anything the judgment and myopia can also work both ways.  Spiritual people often mock the uninitiated, the non-believers of magic, the supposed unhealed of this world.  They relegate them to a Palace of Ignorance and mock those totally mired in the problems of reality as somehow less than.  This is also diminishing and the hubris of some spiritual people lies at the foot of their egos. It’s easy to sit on a high chair when you think you are better because you may know some things others do not.  This does not make us better in the slightest, it just highlights that the point has been completely missed. And that there is infinitely more self-healing  that needs to be done.

I’ve never really set up residence in either camp.  I never felt like I fitted into either of the polarities.  I am highly scientific but I am also wildly spiritual. I don’t just believe in something because Science tells me because I know how much misinformation and incorrect theories there are in the scientific world-view that has dominated our consciousness for way too long.  Many Scientists are stuck in an old paradigm, an old-school domain that is limiting and outmoded, doggedly clinging to old theories and beliefs that are completely outdated and that mostly don’t work and haven’t solved any of the questions we still ponder.  But at the same time I don’t just believe every conspiracy or new fangled spiritual tool that is thrust in my direction.  We have to use our intuition or discernment and sometimes we are just not ready for that particular tool, information or modality but at some point in the future we will be. It’s all too easy to dismiss something because it seems strange or odd.  Life is strange and odd!  The things I know are mostly because I’ve had direct experience of them. Knowing I am a sane person, I don’t believe I am barking mad if I get information and guidance from a non-human being, or if I see entities which I regularly do.  If it feels right to me it is.  And often I will see and hear things and then be led to the corroboration of that in some form or another. So it lands on all levels spiritually, intellectually and emotionally.

“Spirituality is just the Science not yet discovered”. Nassim Harramein

Like many of us I am judged for my innate knowing because mainstream Science hasn’t yet verified or admitted to its existence.  That doesn’t make it wrong.  I do think that as a society we need to become more open.  I’m often left frustrated when people say “Yes but give me the Science’” and I show them the latest cutting edge research from Scientist’s studying many strange and wonderful phenomena such as the mind body connection, Torsion Fields, Ormus, Plasma, electromagnetism and so on.  I explain the latest research on the human bio-field which is torodial in nature just as a single atom is torodial and the torsion fields – which are the emanations lacking mass and energy from the quantum spin of particles travelling at super high speeds. Or I tell them that we are photonic in nature, our cells and our DNA emit light, that we are 99.99999% space and less than 1 per cent density. That we don’t exist in a vacuum but in a plenum (which means full in Latin) and the plenum is teeming with forces both unknown and known, such as gravity, electromagnetism, dark matter and dark energy, nuclear forces and many yet undiscovered forces and particles. We don’t live in a random universe but in a highly coherent system that is linked to every other systems again, both known and unknown. Everything we experience on a macro and micro level is affecting everything else.    And people look at me blankly because they don’t understand it, or their eyes glaze over. I don’t believe they really do want the Science. They just pick and choose indiscriminately what they want to believe in – without ever having researched or investigated it, especially if it seems strange.  Because most of it is based on an old scientific world view that now has very little to do with our current evolution .They are not open to the latest discoveries because it’s not been written about in mainstream sources. So they disbelieve its credibility.

The effects of spiritual practices are being openly investigated in a plethora of laboratories around the globe.  And the data suggests that spiritual people are happier, have more joy, more connection, purpose and are ultimately physically healthier. The current Scientific Worldview is just plain dogma and has become a belief system that is mostly not correct or appropriate for our developing consciousness. The belief that the world is empty and made up of dead matter and is incoherent and purposeless is fundamentally wrong.  The belief that consciousness is in the brain, and at some point if we have enough equipment they will eventually detect it there, is a complete mistake.  Even though we now know that the heart has 60 times greater electromagnetic charge than the brain and there are more neurons in the heart than the brain. 

I think people have a hard time reconciling the fact that if we are not our bodies then what are we? Even if Science tells us we are 97% stardust and that many of the amino acids in our bodies are sourced directly from decaying stars, flashing in and out of existence in a dance of nuclear fusion.   People don’t want to know that we are more space than density because so many people feel so empty already and to entertain the fact that on a sub-atomic level this is somehow true makes Life seem even more flimsy, impermanent and vacant. But I believe we have entered a very exciting time both Scientifically and Spiritually and I think when we are ready more of the Truth of who we are will be discovered. The Reductionist viewpoint is finally getting a makeover! 

The universe is expanding and no one knows why.  I have my own theories based on both science and my own innate knowing but as of yet no one is able to tell us why the universe is literally expanding at an alarming rate. But the significance is that we as Beings of Light in human form are expanding faster than ever in our evolution.  There is more high photonic light being downloaded on a daily basis. We have more resources available to us than ever before yet we feel stalled.  But the Shift is happening and will continue to happen.  Whenever we work on ourselves and shift a pattern that changes our electromagnetic field, we then literally vibrate differently and our electrons and protons emit more light and more voltage.  The charge completely re-arranges us on a molecular level and then we then attract different situations and people in our sphere.  The happier we are the more it affects those around us. But of course it must be genuine joy.  Pretending to be happy or that we are fine when we are not is definitely not the same and will not attract the same effects. As powerful as the mind is, frequency doesn’t lie – we can’t fake frequency.  People see through it.

 “The highest form of ignorance is when you reject something because you don’t know anything about it”. Wayne Dyer

Sometimes spirituality can seem so remote, so unbelievable and untenable.  But I totally believe that when we find the answers inside then the answers will be revealed in the outer world.  But we must go within and see and experience what feels right and valid for us.  Our evolution is hanging in the balance and we are at the bifurcation point. We will either descend into destruction and annihilation or we will move into a new paradigm of growth and of discoveries that we never believed possible.  We must be more open.  It is important to have hope for the future.  We can radically affect change in positive ways and live in a world where the people in it are conscious and responsible for their actions and the intrinsic system of our reality is in congruence with the extrinsic system of the Universe at large.  But it does take work on our part. 

I am eternally grateful that I have and have always had an inquisitive mind.  I’ve always needed to know how things work, how the universe, my body, my mind and my spirit operate.  So I’ve always been a researcher, seeking out the answers within and searching and sifting through the latest discoveries and developments on the fringe of all facets of Science.  It’s all too easy to dismiss something because it seems new and we don’t understand it. There are many things in the universe that seem unbelievable but yet are being verified and I urge us all to stay open.  Stay open, ask questions, seek your own answers and do your own research. There is much misinformation out there.  There are many who want to demolish the latest advances because they want to continue to feed the old limited views. People fear what they don’t know.  So don’t take anything at face value.  Just be open enough to say I don’t understand it but yet I will try not to dismiss it.

 Science tells us that we really are star beings. We are a wave formation that not only exists in our DNA but also in every corner and constant of the universe.  We are the multi-verse in one body. The latest research tells us that at least 94% of our DNA is lying in hiding, waiting to be ignited into our potential futures.  Because there is more of us just waiting on the threshold of existence to become who were meant to become, which is multi-dimensional.  The point is we already are multi-dimensional but when we can really see this and more importantly feel it and take responsibility for clearing ourselves of the past just think of what will become possible not just personally but as a species.  There is the possibility of complete unification of heart, mind and spirit, bursting forth in a symbiotic sway of electromagnetic pulses. I don’t want to set up my tent on either side of the demarcation lines so I will continue to dance in both sides of the equation, searching and finding, staying open, being vigilant over ego and preconceptions.  Most of the things society believes are a complete misperception of reality because the true nature of reality has not yet been revealed. 

But it will and we must be ready. 

https://www.instagram.com/lunabellatahni/

My Truth

 

So Spring strides toward us hat in hand, bowing to the last remnants of Winter. The powerful purging elements rise from the depths, urging us to shed more layers of the smog, to reveal more of our brilliance: that bright, overflowing light that is our divine birthright. 

Like many of us I am undergoing quantum shifts in my personal evolution.  Over the last year or so I have been refining and releasing many of the toxic elements that were weighing me down. Old belief systems, subconscious programming and out-moded ideas and notions.  I feel completely different. I feel clearer, calmer, I have more joy, more love and I have a larger sense of my purpose and exactly what it is I bring to the table. 

For the last few years and especially in the last year or so  -much of which I have explored on this blog – I have attracted many toxic elements in my personal relationships, namely those friendships with some of the women in my life.  This area of my life has been under construction for some time. Sadly, I was still allowing many negative aspects to snare and enmesh me and often times pull me off my center.  

My soul has been whispering collective truths through my energetic ears, urging me to really access more of my power and the vaster reaches of my capacity for light. So this ultimately meant there were still some roadblocks I needed to dismantle in order for me to take forward strides. 

I still had a situation in my life with someone I didn’t feel was really a true friend but who I somehow felt beholden to and to whom I couldn’t reveal the truth about how I really felt.  I didn’t want to hurt them but what happened was I ending up hurting myself more and subsequently allowed them to hurt me too many times with their behaviour.   I know I should have turned my back on them a long time ago but still I did not.  I feel completely battered and bruised because I allowed this unstable person to bombard me with their constant criticism and blame of me, their pettiness, their neediness and the continual drama.  I’ve really had to own and take responsibility for why I allowed this.  It was a deeply draining relationship with someone that should have just remained a work colleague and never entered into the realm of friendship.  I had already cut off all contact with them in the past when our schedules changed. And then I witnessed them going through a breakdown, my heart went out to them and then ‘Bam!’ before I knew it I was entangled and enmeshed in the shit and the mud.  So that really was my fault. 

It was out of a deep empathy that I wanted to help but I knew in my heart of hearts it was never right for me. There was always a tangle of mixed messages that I could not seem to decipher. It was like being on a rollercoaster. I never felt a real connection, we were definitely not on the same wavelength and almost every time I spent time with them I felt incredibly empty afterwards.  We had some lovely moments for sure but it just wasn’t enough, it was completely unbalanced and more importantly I didn’t enjoy it.  I ignored my own intuition and guidance which told me many times ‘to get out’ but I endured because I  think on some level I really craved a close connection with another female that I could really be myself and reveal all of the many layers of who I was. But deep down I always knew they were not the right person for me to do this with. And I think for a while I was even pretending to myself, making excuses for their behaviour and severely diminishing myself in the process. 

I think that growing up with a temperamental, moody, angry, jealous and completely self-absorbed mother has meant that I’ve always had a ridiculously high tolerance for friends who also displayed some or all of these qualities.  It was like a marathon of endurance. One that I somehow felt I didn’t have a right to refuse, that it was somehow my lot in life because that’s all I had experienced in the past. It was a casserole of stale ingredients that I somehow insisted on keeping warm instead of discarding. And all the while I felt like a fraud, like I was living a lie and to be brutally honest I was.  I do deeply regret that I let it go on for so long. My boyfriend constantly urged me “To get rid, that it wasn’t right for me and that they didn’t get me at all”. Other work colleagues also could see what it was doing to me because they too had been on the receiving end of the polarised behaviour. Yet, still i persisted like a misguided warrior. 

I have to own that I didn’t have the courage to really spell it out. That this relationship – if you can even call it that – was not and never was true or real for me and that it was too inconsistent. And most pertinent of all was that we were at completely different stages of our development.  I was no longer lost or deeply insecure about who I was. I had confidence in my abilities and I was not locked into a tennis match of negative voices in my head. I think I knew that if I tried to really voice and express how I felt it would not be met with maturity or understanding and besides I had openly allowed the focus to always be on them, so my feelings were very low down on the agenda. I also knew that there would be an element of blame or criticism because that was the pattern with them and I had grown so tired and battered from this especially as for the most part it was all their own projections and jealousy. 

I am not perfect at all and have never claimed to be. I’ve definitely had my less than ideal behavioural moments and I’ve made many, many mistakes. But for the most part I’ve always tried not to take my crap out on others, to apologise when I’m in the wrong, to try to understand where others are coming from and act in a mature manner, even when faced with the most immature behaviour displayed around me.  These are my own personal values.

I have always had a lot of love to give to others and people sense that, so it’s often been a pattern of one way traffic.  I have been constantly criticised by this person for being in my own world, which was always laughable considering how much time they spent in their  own head and how ungrounded they were . On countless occasions I have witnessed their completely unprofessional conduct, fine one minute then a raging bull the next. It was terrible to witness how they would completely lose themselves to episodes of rage, stomping, banging and shouting at those around them. I was on the receiving end of the banging and snapping many times. It was  exhausting and it was slowly wearing me down.

This up and down, mentally changeable behaviour was exactly what I had endured as a child.  You never knew when it was coming so it was often utterly bewildering to my own cognitive processes.  I was often left wracking my brains to deduce what I had done to upset them, exactly what I had done wrong.  I know now as an adult that other people’s crazy and volatile outbursts are to do with their own unresolved issues, their own unbalanced brain chemistry and perhaps a myriad of other reasons that in the larger sense are not really anything to do with you but somehow get directed and projected at you. But still I’m sensitive and besides it is upsetting and jarring and I hadn’t fully healed that.  My mother’s mental health issues are completely undiagnosed and so it’s often harder to feel a validation for what I have experienced.  This is where the term gaslighting comes into play, the sashaying between extremes of moods, the intense display of emotions then followed by a softer but completely fake and manic niceness, where you are left spinning, completely bewildered and perplexed. This was my reality for years and it continues every time I spend time with my mother.  But I now know that I do have an option of omitting this from most of my life in the people I choose as friends and with the rest keeping a friendly distance. 

But yes they were partly right about being in my own world.  I do have a tendency to go into my own bubble, especially when I don’t feel safe around angry behaviour, or I’m bored and under stimulated with the situation or the people moaning on and on about the same things around me.  But I can say that I’m no longer locked in the prison of my own mind. These days  I am usually thinking about physics, or a science question I’m pondering or I’m sensing energy and light that is around myself and others. The irony is actually for the most part I feel more present than I have in a long time.  People often misinterpret not reacting and being in a more neutral state as if you are ungrounded or cold and unfeeling.  When in actual fact it’s the complete opposite and it’s just that you are trying to keep a distance from them because you are completely bored to tears with the constant moaning and drama, so you’d rather think about something more interesting. 

Life is passing by so quickly – I will be 50 at the beginning of next year – and I don’t feel I really have the time anymore to waste on attempting to tolerate the intolerable.   One of my biggest fears has always been about really shining my light out there because I was so violently abused for that. I also have a family that will, to this day, kill off any notions of displaying your gifts and talents with the swiftness of an animal about to ravage its prey.  And all credit to me – I am now very confident in my own talents and skills yet I have been scared about really embracing them more fully out in the world because as a child I was vilified and physically tortured for being strikingly gifted at so many different things, so of course that runs deep.  The belief that it’s never really been safe to shine seemed like a blockade I couldn’t maneuver past.  I am fully confronting this fear and it is dissipating and I will continue to face it until it’s integrated and divinely alchemised. 

I have grown so tired of people’s excuses for bad behaviour. We have all experienced trauma, abandonment, pain and hurt.  And yes we are all entitled to our moments but it doesn’t give us a free pass to continually bludgeon those around us or that we have to constantly acquiesce to their incessant demands and petty grievances. We have to take responsibility for what we give out into the field of consciousness that surrounds us. Pollution of the Earth is not just about dropping plastic it’s also about dropping our waste into the laps of those we see day in and day out.  Do we want to constantly vomit and soak others with our negative emotions or do we want to take responsibility for our moods and triggers and become the master of our own reality?   

We know instinctively that when we allow others to trigger us we give away our power, when we look inside gently and with commitment we become powerful at clearing and sifting and turning that base metal into gold.  This is what I am doing.  I don’t have to take on every lost soul that comes across my path. Or tolerate inconsistent and volatile behaviour.  I do have the right to not get involved if I don’t want to or keep a kind, but safe distance. It’s been a huge learning curve for me. And it has been years in the making. 

I have been deeply hurt by this person’s behaviour. They were incapable of acknowledging any of my feelings and perhaps never will due to their own insecurities but this is no longer my concern. I am expressing myself in my writing and to the right people that I choose. My emotional bruises are healing and I will carry on radiating my light. 

I have absolutely no doubt that the universe orchestrated this dynamic and the many others in my past in order for me to heal this deep and foreboding fear.  It’s the fear of shining my light, the fear of how being in my power will antagonise others, as it has so often done in the past.  The fear that I will somehow be hurt if I do stand out there in my full glory because I have been so deeply hurt over and over again from others projections and their inability to challenge their own egos.  People can and do project their frustration, irritation and anger onto you if you are too serene, too happy, too creative, too pretty, too confident, too smart, too knowledgeable – and the list goes on – but I am in the process of overcoming this and it will not stop me. I have too much I need to do.  And I don’t want to relinquish anymore time on pushing parts of myself down. 

I have completely severed the energetic chords of this relationship and I feel free again and I know I need to maintain and be vigilant about my boundaries. I am a born healer I’ve always struggled to maintain boundaries thinking I must be available to all at all times but this has been like a hammer over the head and the final nail in the coffin! I am transitioning from the wounded healer into a more powerful guided healer.  We have to be so mindful about what and who we let into our life and our energy field because if we don’t it will bring us down or thwart our forward movement. It can be subtle but insidious.  Do we really want the verbal diarrohea of others contaminating our energetic bodies?   Our energy is precious and it can so easily be drained when we are constantly around negative people or we allow them free reign to offload. 

One thing I do know is that we must forgive if we want to be free.  We must forgive others, for they don’t know what they don’t know. We are all developing at different speeds and rates. It’s all a learning process, hopefully they will learn for their own growth, just as you have but if they don’t that’s not your issue.  But I think most of all, the hardest one is that we must forgive ourselves.  If we let people hurt us over and over we cannot really blame them as it’s really down to us. It’s our responsibility to sever the ties, to speak up or to ignore them if we choose or even completely turn our backs. And we can’t feel bad or guilty about not wanting to be around these situations or people.  Life is too short to endure these unhealthy distressing situations. Even if they will never acknowledge their own behaviour or what it does to those around them, we have to let that go. Our business is the business of healing ourselves – people will always do what people do.  And even if you see the good points of that person involved, if it doesn’t feel right then it isn’t right. It is as simple as that. 

 It has been healing spending time with loving women who have allowed me to really voice and express my most vulnerable parts, my sore spots and not be judged for it, to have the uninterrupted space to really speak, explore and express all of the challenges and also all of the good stuff that is happening because there are many exciting developments happening on a daily basis for me. I am really on the cusp of spreading my wings and stepping up in larger and more profound ways.  I am so grateful to have this space to just be who I am, to be seen and witnessed and accepted. I no longer want to hide the good stuff from those in my life because it will make someone else jealous or insecure. I think we have to be discerning about what and who we reveal ourselves to but I am tired of pushing down parts of myself so as not to antagonise others or make others feel worse about themselves.  We don’t have to spend years or months pandering to others insecurities. Let them rise to meet us or let them go.

 Like many of us on the planet at the moment I feel I have a mission in life. And I definitely don’t want to show the worst of myself like many others around me do. I want to impart the world in bigger ways with my light, my unique talents, my knowledge and my being-ness.  And even though there is always the question of “Who am I to be happy when so many people are so lost, so lonely, so miserable?” I cannot continue to feel guilty for being dedicated to my path and working through so much pain and coming out the other side a better human being. Because who am I not to be happy, content and powerful in my personal and professional life?  I’ve really put in the hard work. 

 I have had to have the heart of a warrior to get through some of the deep wounding of my past and I’ve been through sheer hell which at times I never thought I would emerge from.  I’ve taken on so much in my life and healed so much too but it’s an ongoing process.  But like many others walking this path I’m grateful and proud of the work I’ve done, I’ve made many mistakes but I’ve learnt and I continue to learn.  And no matter what anyone has done to me they cannot stop the flow of love in my heart. I have not shut down that capacity for genuine love. I have outrageous depths of love to give, to be in service, to assist my fellow human being.  But I can no longer give of myself in my personal life for only scraps and crumbs in return.  This outrageous love has a boundary that needs to be put in place so it can continue to exponentially ignite those it comes into contact with.  Love doesn’t always have to be soft and mushy, it can also be strong.  Love can say I do not accept this any longer, I am worth more than this, if you can’t treat me in the ways I truly deserve you will not be in my life!  It doesn’t make ‘them’ bad people they are just not ‘our’ people. And then we allow that chapter to come to an end and then another one begins.  

This is my Truth.

https://www.instagram.com/lunabellatahni/?hl=en.  Check me out on instagram.

The Light Awakens

I was launched into this life seeking Self-Mastery.  To be deeply connected to myself, others and the world around me.  I seek to know and access the depths of unconditional love from myself and the universe, to live from the truth that we are all deeply connected and that we are One Consciousness. What we do to others we do to ourselves and what we do to ourselves we are doing to others.  I sought to discover and embody that there is no separation. 

Self-mastery can bring up a whole host of erroneous connotations. Some being that it requires a life of joyless control or that growth implies an overt seriousness. Or perhaps being confined to a metaphorical straitjacket, albeit one of honourable intentions. Maybe we believe that Self-Mastery is probably too exhausting and unobtainable to put into practice. I personally don’t believe it is any of the above.

We are the ones we have been waiting for.

I am going through a deep spiritual awakening.  I’ve been through several in my evolution but nothing like this one.  This has finesse and a depth of illumination that I didn’t know existed.  It didn’t just miraculously appear as an act of grace from creation but because I have been in an infinite process of deep discovery, tracking my every mistaken belief I had about myself and the world around me.  It is, however, of a divine graceful creation and I am immersed in it. But I’ve really been doing the work, living and breathing the true meanings of self-development and more importantly facing the self.  Layers of resistance and defenses are crumbling back into the earth’s open womb that she will recycle into a more usable form.  I am forgiving, releasing, honouring, accepting, loving, believing and having a lot of fun.  I no longer see life or people through the same filter of lack.  The things I always believed on an intellectual level are actually becoming embodied now.  It is most definitely not a hardship but like anything it does involve a summoning to contest.

There are many beautiful possibilities being presented to me and also many challenges too, all in the spirit of me refining the parameters of who I thought I was.  In the last month I’ve had the most beautiful conversations with people in my daily life and there is a lightness and joy that makes fun and play so much more accessible.  Once I stepped out of the blame game and met those around me with respect, they felt it. Don’t we all want to be accepted for who we are at any given point?  

And whilst they haven’t necessarily changed their behaviour they just don’t stir my emotions anymore. I’ve met them where they are at, not asking or needing anything from them. And because we have met each other at the threshold of acceptance and mutual respect, this is the land where miracles are manifest.

Self-mastery is about being neutral.  It’s about practice and of course discipline. We never achieve anything without it.  We need the discipline to practice by day, by hour and by minute to become more neutral in our interactions and communications.  Self-mastery is about learning to not let our environment dictate our mental state.  When we are not embracing self-mastery we take everything personally.  We allow ourselves to become victims of others behaviour.  We take every situation personally as if the universe is punishing us by sending us this person or that situation.  The universe is testing us – there is no doubt about that – but only as a kickass parent who wants the best for its children.  When we take things personally we try to seek revenge – no matter how subtle – with the fuck you attitude of “well you didn’t do this thing for me so I’m not going to do shit for you”.  It’s everywhere: the subtle digs at others, the passive aggressive comments or body language, the sarcasm and so forth.  When we blame others we usually seek to make them pay in some way. That’s the nature of human beings, no matter how subtle or insidious it is or even if it’s only in our own heads! We make them wrong and us right.

I have never wanted to take my crap out on others. As a child I somehow made that decision unconsciously.  I’ve made endless mistakes during my evolution, just like we all have. I had an unhappy childhood but I never wanted that to give me a sense of entitlement that I then proceeded to take out on others around me.  I never wanted to have the righteous indignation to treat the people I see day in and day out with the fire of my instability.  I didn’t want to roast others in the blaze of my unresolved emotions, to use it as an excuse to treat others disrespectfully or make them feel like a piece of shit. There is enough of that in the world. I never wanted to add to it.

I see it all around me the excuses for bad behaviour or the excuses to disrespect others for no other reason than “I’m pissed off, I’m having a bad day or a bad life”.  It’s a virulent cloud that covers any sense of light with its protruding shadow. 

Everyone is in a marathon, just trying to get their needs met.  In this sprint to get our needs met we have forgotten who we really are.  We have forgotten that others can never provide us with the things we really crave because we are meant to give those things to ourselves first.  We constantly seek acknowledgment from the external world when no amount of outside acknowledgment will ever fulfill those gaping holes because it is the subconscious that is crying for our attention and to be acknowledged. The subconscious governs our emotions and it is desperate to be heard from our own ears. This is all an inside job. There is absolutely no getting around that.

We are what we need.

When you awaken to a deeper truth of yourself on a soul level you begin to see the things you have not wanted to see. The fact that if we really and truly believed in abundance, we wouldn’t all be scurrying around banging others over the head with a hammer, protesting about getting our needs met. Those viruses and programs that run our minds, the mistaken beliefs and patterns that have kept us as a hostage in chains.  You also see more clearly the hacks of the program that humanity is running that only serve to attempt to derail us and snatch our power away.  Do we think The Matrix is just a film? It’s actually more real than we could ever imagine!

We can feel the kickback in our life when we embody more of our true self.  When we realise that there are certain aspects of behaviour that we have allowed from others or indulged in ourselves just to make others happy that are beyond disempowering.  People are always mirrors for us and they can prompt us gently or hammer us loudly, requiring that we journey deeper into ourselves and our story and release more and more of those constraints.  These mirrors for me have often shown up in the guise of certain people who refuse to let me change. It doesn’t suit them to have me become emboldened. These are people that have a vested interest in us staying the same person, so that they can persist in attempting to get us to provide them with the things they believe they need. The people that need you to collude with their ‘story’, which neither serves them or you. The belief that we only connect through struggle or what’s not working in our lives is a completely outmoded view of relationships.

We must begin to connect through the things that we are proud of and what’s working in our lives and by doing that we create more of it.  Instead of these people needling you at every opportunity or smiling through gritted teeth when life is going well for you and some opportunity is tapping you on the shoulder. But I’ve learnt to it accept it – nothing is ever lost – and it has activated the seeds of my growth spurt and I know I attracted it all. It wasn’t easy to see but I got it, I totally got it. It’s not them, it’s me.  It’s all been a hack to keep me imprisoned because on some level if I had these jealous people in my life then I believed I couldn’t step up, couldn’t show my true self.  I feared I would be condemned if I fully embodied my natural power and leadership. I feared rejection and the unseen energy of projected anger.  But I see it so clearly now: of course it’s me that’s been rejecting myself all these years, people were only reflecting that back to me.  My fear was that I would be abused in some way as I had been in the past if I really embodied my many gifts and talents again.  I no longer believe this and I am forgiving myself and those around me. I can see now how the universe orchestrated these experiences based on what I believed and what a perfect set up it’s all been.  The perfect foil I needed to release myself from the incessant loop. I no longer react in the same ways I did. I now care too much about my mental state to allow another to hijack it for too long.  It’s about confronting those loops and becoming so present and self-aware that we can change that disruption or distortion so that it doesn’t take over our day or our life.   

Even though on some level we are all connected in love and light and can never be separated eternally, they are us and we are them and it’s still okay to weed the garden.  To release those toxic elements that stymie our growth or curtail our true expression.  We must release them in love and acceptance, not in anger and resentment. We can embrace and even celebrate the opportunities for growth these challenges have afforded us.  We might not have enjoyed them but they were the perfect conditions we needed to learn that lesson and move on.

The minutiae of our everyday lives are the direct manifestation of our long-held beliefs that were formed before our conscious awareness and significantly before our rationality interceded.  If we are unhappy with the situations we experience in our lives then instead of blaming others or feeling bad about ourselves we need to go inside and discover those programs and viruses in the computer of our minds that spout lack, disappointment, abandonment, anxiety, stress and hardship at every turn.  We must work with those inner elements – the sparks of which are crying out for our attention – especially if we are constantly in reaction mode. Working with the subconscious, as I wrote in my previous post, has many exquisite benefits and I continue to do it daily.  The main one that we step out of the blame game and take responsibility for ourselves and the situations we attract into our lives and we forgive and love ourselves and then we get the rocket fuel under that dormant hope and as if by magic opportunities are then free to enter our lives unimpeded by anger and blame.

If we leave a situation with anger and blame it will only create more of it.  Sometimes we do need to get out of situations for our own well-being or even safety and its not always possible at the time to be free from the kickback but over time we must learn to process these hostile feelings otherwise we take them into the next situation and vomit our crap all over the energetic field we are in. We take ourselves with us wherever we go. And when we remember we have created it all on some level anyway there is no use or benefit in staying in anger, jealousy or blame for years.  It’s all learning, it’s all the movie of our lives.  It’s giving us the opportunity over and over again to forgive and be free.  To be open in heart and mind requires us to let go of those old, toxic emotions and hurts that are polluting the free flowing of our personal river and the river of humanity itself.  Because whatever we allow to flow in that river whether its anger or love will affect the whole of Earth’s energetic field.  The HeartMath Institute has been doing research for over two decades on this very principle:

Scientists know Earth’s resonant frequencies approximate those of the brain, heart and autonomic nervous system, and studies show surprising relationships between health and behavior and solar and geomagnetic activity. Findings support the hypothesis that Earth’s magnetic field carries important biological information linking living systems. -HearthMath.Org

Self-Mastery is not something that will just knock on our door and present itself as a fully formed awakened person and we can just step into that suit and off we go.  We have to decide whether we want it or not. And if so then that requires diligence and careful practice.  Or whether we want to just dabble here and there and for others to feed back the story about how wronged we were or how crap the world is or how disempowered we are.  We will never progress if we cannot really look at how we behave and what shows up in our lives as a result of that.  I don’t have the inclination any more to rescue others or allow them to make up the rules and serve me with a list of demands.  I want to guide others to awakening the divine light within them, the spark of creation that is the navigation we all need to get out of the calamities we sometimes end up in. I’m now very clear about that.

Sometimes the thing we need most is a kick up the backside about not wasting our lives on excuses. The biggest one being (even if it is never vocalized) is that we had a terrible childhood or life trauma so we should get a free pass. Or the belief that we don’t have to engage with the world or look too closely at ourselves. It really doesn’t work like that.   If we want to thrive instead of just merely surviving then let us welcome those people in our lives who refuse to allow us to make excuses or wallow because they can see we are so much more than our limited view of ourselves. They hold no jealousy in their hearts because they love us and they want nothing more than for us to reach our potential. We are all better off when another one of us lights up.  We were meant to light up, to shine our unique vibration out into the cosmos and have that light reflected back to us in a bold, cosmic dance of gravitational waves.  The universe is learning about itself through us. Let’s give it something to behold.

The universe is waiting with baited breath to graciously and generously give us the life we crave and because we have free will and we are such powerful creators we have to be so careful what we put our attention and intention on.  Unless we shift our focus we will recreate the same poverty of consciousness, the same wars, the same violence, the same discrimination and on and on it goes.  Fighting begets more fighting, creating infinitely more and more dissonance so instead of being bitterly against all these atrocities in the world, shift our focus to become pro the things we want: the freedom, equality, peace, community, wellbeing, acceptance and love and know that we are a true family of light. The solutions lie at the level above, at the doorway of our soul, at the core of our love of humanity.  When we live and breathe self-mastery we imbue the air and the field around us with a congruency, a balance of power all seeded from the One Consciousness. We are all stewards of the Earth and its time to step up, our planet desperately needs us to be self-mastered, so we can create our lives anew from a fresh canvas.

https://www.instagram.com/lunabellatahni/?hl=en.  Check me out on Instagram.

Absolve

 

Like many of us on the planet at the moment I am grabbing the quantum acceleration by the tail feathers and hanging on as if my life depended on it.  Because in reality, my life does depend on it.  We are going through many planetary shifts, global shifts and of course personal shifts. 

I have completely changed my perspective about many things I erroneously believed in.  Firstly, that involved healing my physical vision – the glasses came off and I saw the things I had not wanted to see in myself and the world around me. My life has exponentially filtered more light through the lens of not only my physical eyes but also my spiritual eyes, more so than I ever could have imagined. My vision has shifted on many levels.

I’ve realised on deep, subatomic levels that we can never really move on unless we have forgiven – literally forgiven everything and everyone – especially, and more importantly, ourselves.  Every difficult situation we have attracted into our lives, every time we acted less than altruistically or honourably.  Every single mistake we have made is lying in wait for our wholehearted forgiveness.  I am currently in a deep clearing process of forgiveness of myself and taking 100% responsibility for everything I have created in my life – the people, the situations, the things, the experiences – no matter how minor or extreme they seem. Everything that shows up in my life is my responsibility and it allows me to hone the muscles of forgiveness.

What does a 100% responsibility for our lives look like?

Well it firstly means we have to stop judging ourselves and others, which is a habit we have created and often we don’t even realise to the extent we are doing it.  We are human and we like to judge those we deem less than perfect and we have been hardwired to judge the things, people and situations that do not resonate with us. We whip ourselves into a frenzy on a daily basis for not being perfect.  But I would like to ask you this: Would you rather be right or be happy?

To be right is an act of superiority that our ego loves to create, the particular colours in the canvas of our lives. We look on those who are not on our levels as less than, as not as evolved, or alternatively we harshly judge our own development that we are not as evolved as so-and-so, who ever that might be. For us to be right, means that by the laws of polarity someone else has to be wrong, or less than.  I’m not suggesting we pat someone on the back for being shitty to us or for having assaulted us whether verbally, emotionally or physically, but it’s important to express ourselves and say NO.  We don’t have to tolerate disrespect.  But what I am saying is that we cannot be happy when we hold resentment and self-righteousness in our hearts.  Even if we are right, isn’t it better to choose happiness by letting go of the unyielding need to be right and then consequently holding anger and distortion in our bodies and our minds? 

This also creates a victim mentality.  Whenever we moan about someone else’s behaviour, we are in effect casting ourselves in the role of victim and they the perpetrator.  So,   we believe we somehow need rescuing or saving, whether that is by others, spirit, a windfall or whatever we put our expectations onto. Not one of these scenarios holds the reflection back to us of our innate power and our exquisite light.  It just continuously tells us  that “we are screwed”, so all we can do is moan and kick about the unfairness of our conditions and confirm to the universe and others that we are just weak players on the stage of life and everything is ‘being done to us’. 

The Blame Game will never evolve us to the levels that somewhere deep in the pit of our being we know we can ascend to.  It is hard to get away from the blame game, it does require commitment and this is where the beautiful Hawaiian forgiveness ritual comes in. ‘Ho’oponopono’ is a very simple, but highly effective process to cleanse layers of unforgiveness in ourselves, others and the situations we have created in our lives. I discovered it over 10 years ago although I did not participate in it fully at the time so I have revisited it in a different light now (Refer to the end of the post for recommended book titles). This beautiful prayer uses only four lines:

“I love you, I’m sorry. Please forgive me, Thank you.”

I have also discovered that forming a relationship with our subconscious mind is a valuable, and I would go so far as saying, an integral part of our evolution. Being in a non-reactive mode creates more of the calmness and peace we crave and need to become all that we were meant to be.  Enlisting and allowing the subconscious to feel safe by constantly acknowledging the reactions and emotions that come up from a radically kind perspective, creates lasting change in surprising and beautiful ways. It also more importantly allows integration with the conscious mind.  I have mentioned in previous posts that within most of our behaviour, the conductor of our orchestra is actually the subconscious mind – it is running the show 95% of the time with only 5% allotted to our conscious mind. 

Every judgment we make on ourselves, on others, on our own emotions and any situations that just rile us up ends up hurting us.  There is another way however. We can find a way of not bludgeoning ourselves over the head time and time again. All it takes is a willingness and patience to catch those reactions when they come and learn the business of not judging them. It requires us to say to our subconscious: “Thank you for showing me this emotion or situation, can we work as a team, can we release this together?” And then we let go.  Of course offering our love to our subconscious mind never goes amiss either. It is just trying to keep us safe.  The subconscious has mysterious and eye-opening ways of releasing something, it’s not our business to control, or even know how it will happen.  It’s our business to just let go of needing to know all the answers and come to a neutral place and let the magic happen. This is not an intellectual process, or another tool to make us more imprisoned in our own minds. This is about freedom – we do it and then we let go.  Sometimes we can let go of something without even knowing the answer of why it was there in the first place.  We may get a sense of the reason but this is not the purpose of forming a relationship with that part of us.  Healing is beyond the conscious mind and certainly beyond the intellectual.  The process is very simple and there is a great book out there that again I will recommend at the end of this post. But of course the reality is it’s not so simple because we have to change our perspective and ask ourselves whether we want to be right or be happy. 

Everything is an inside job and if you don’t want to believe that you are responsible for everything that shows up in our world then perhaps this won’t be for you.  But from my own experience being right never made me happy. All it did was  fill me to the brim with a surfeit of resentment because of fixed concepts held deeply in my subconscious that were formed when I was not able to make the distinctions I can now make as an adult. 

And I would say this about every situation that happens to us… ask yourself what are the common themes?  Well the most pertinent one seems to be that isn’t it us that is always there in all these difficult scenarios? And then what happens is we immediately make ourselves a victim because life just rained down on us and it was nothing to do with us.

I think I’m now at a stage in my life where I really don’t want others to take the twists and turns and detours I have taken in life – so much time wasted in the blame game whether that was on myself or others – and to which I am forgiving myself for. I really want to pass onto others any kernels of knowledge and wisdom I have gained from my own trials and tribulations.  I totally believe we are in it together. Of course you have to make the commitment to do the internal work but forgiveness and integrating the subconscious are much quicker and more effective ways than pounding the asphalt in a perennial huff about the unfairness of life and how it’s not showing up for you.  Well, first and foremost we have to show up for ourselves – everything else stems from that. 

So many of our outbursts and angry reactions could be assuaged by taking responsibility for ourselves and being kind to ourselves before things get out of hand. When someone makes us angry and we believe it’s about them and not us, we actually do ourselves a disservice.  Because they couldn’t make us angry or upset unless we already had that hidden ‘baggage’ within us – it’s just not possible.  And when we don’t have that stuff inside us anymore then people won’t make us as angry. And if they do we won’t hold onto it, nursing it like an ill child. We can let go as quickly as it came. It’s about giving ourselves the time and space to come to the table, by acknowledging and talking to those parts of us that are in reaction. We can then become calmer and stronger for having the courage to face the emotions with kindness and compassion. We can then speak our truth from a more empowered place. People can’t really hear us when we rant and rave from a distorted emotional standpoint, or when we continually point the finger of blame without acknowledging the wider aspects of our situation.  We don’t want to end up wearing our judgment like a badge of honour, just so we can feel better about ourselves for 10 minutes.  This will never create lasting change – in fact it will only create more distortion and separation from our subconscious mind. Just like us, our subconscious wants to feel safe and just as we want kindness, respect, love and forgiveness so does it. The goal is to marry the two together so we are aware of our subconscious triggers and we are not powerless or victimised by them.  Otherwise we are victims of our own victimhood.

We will make mistakes along the way – say and do the wrong thing – that’s what being human is about and isn’t it better to have opened the forgiveness cup and sip from that instead of pummeling ourselves into a dungeon where we feel more and more victimized and harassed?  What we do to ourselves is far crueler than anything anyone else could ever do and we keep that alive by blaming ourselves or others for everything that has happened to us, whether we realise it or not.  That’s the only way children make sense of harsh experiences by internalising that as a form of punishment that they must have deserved and that sets up a life of challenges because deep down you believe you deserve to be punished so that’s what life brings you.  We are all holding some form of resentment and some form of unforgiveness in our memory banks.  And all it wants is to see the light so it can be finally set free.

Do you want to be right or do you want to be free? 

Book suggestions:

“Ho’oponopono: Zero Limits” by Joe Vitale and a beautiful little book “Ho’oponopono” by Ulrich E Dupree. A

Also, working with the Subconscious: “How to Become Who You Are” by Ratziel Bander.

https://www.instagram.com/lunabellatahni/?hl=en  Check me out on Instagram

Cosmic Conduit

What does it really mean to be a human being?

On a purely molecular level we are predominantly a collection of oxygen and finely constructed carbon, hydrogen, nitrogen, calcium, phosphorus, potassium, sulfur, sodium, and many more elements.  We are elemental in design and flavour.

We are a compacted gathering of atoms and sub-atomic particles. Physicists now widely believe that an atom is made up of 99.999999% space.  So it means that we are more space than we are matter. Physicists are also now hypothesising that it is space that defines matter and not matter that defines space. 

So what does that mean anyway that we are ‘mostly space’?  Maybe that will mean nothing to you.  To me it means everything.  It means that I am a space or a vacuum of potential.  Many of us already know that we are 93% stardust – a hologram of our previous incarnation as part of a star system.  Or at least our atomic structure remembers that we were a star, or perhaps part of a black hole, or riding on the back of a gravitational wave.  Either way we are not just random skin and bones plopped haphazardly onto the planet.

Apparently 97% of our DNA consists of material that does not contain the information of our hereditary make-up.  Scientists believe they may have overlooked substantial chunks of DNA in the genome sequencing to date.  They are calling it ‘Dark DNA’ because it has been hidden and not been detailed so far.

So there are massive gaps or bridges in our DNA that nobody knows what they are for or how they got there, or if they have always been there.  When you have delved into your spiritual back story many of us already know that we have had hundreds and thousands of incarnations and that some of those incarnations were not human, that we were star-beings or perhaps even an atom that made up a far flung galaxy billions of light years away.  Everything is just a collection of atoms and particles anyway, no matter where we end up.

Gaps of Potentiality

For me this information means that there are titanic gaps of potentiality written in a secret code in my DNA sequencing that has absolutely nothing to do with who I have always thought I am. To me it means confirmation of infinite freedom and liberation, there is nothing here that is written in blood. I am free to decide who I want to be. Of course this is often where the real work begins. 

“Who do we want to be?” 

“What do we want to contribute to the planet?”

“If I were truly free what would I do with my time, love and energy?”  

The only limits that I have or that we have are the ones we place on ourselves.  We only use a small proportion of our brains and the potential for more whole brain intelligence is staggering. As a species we have untold potential to ascend further than we ever have done and certainly more than we have been led to believe. But we must decide whether we choose life or an apathy that leads to destruction both on a personal level and on a planetary level.

Many of us talk about taking up space in the world and of course we mean this on a purely emotional level, that we long to be seen and heard and to really own our space.  But in this pure potential of mainly space, we are taking up more space than our limited minds can possibly ever imagine.  We are space and only a tiny, minute percentage of matter.  We actually cannot NOT take up space.

Many people talk about ‘going with the flow’ – it has become a buzz word, almost a colloquialism.  A modern fable of a life that we somehow don’t really have to lift a finger, that if ‘we go with the flow’ then life will just magically produce all of our dreams on a star-filled platter.  Like you can sit on the same bench at the same time everyday and miraculously the man or woman of your dreams will just saunter by declare their love and then you will make plans for the rest of your lives together.  Then the next day at the same time, on the same bench someone will waft by and offer you their fortune and their fifteen bedroom mansion and five sports cars for no other reason than just because.  Of course I’m being facetious but it’s amazing that the rudiments of this are actually not that far from some people’s wish system. They don’t actually want to do anything but hope they get everything they want in return.

Of course I’m not saying synchronicities don’t happen – they have definitely happened to me and I’m sure they have happened to you. The points in life when something does just happen fairly effortlessly but if you look closely enough it has usually preceded a period of letting go, or after releasing a big piece of emotional heft that desperately needed clearing. Something usually went before it.  Some degree of emotional furniture arranging took place – it was not just by chance.

What many don’t realise is that to really ‘go with the flow’ we have to become ‘superconductors’ which basically means we have no resistance to the flow of energy. That to create optimal health we need spiritual, mental, emotional and physical bodies that are ‘superconductors’ to the flow of cosmic energy coming into us from the universe.  Most people, especially if they haven’t done that much work on themselves, are filled with a galaxy of emotional, mental and spiritual blocks that will not allow anything to flow through it.  You can’t roll a boulder uphill! 

I also feel that a lot of people are terrified to make changes in their lives and so they carry on doing the same things over and over, yet expecting different results, thinking the same limited thoughts and disregarding their bodies and their minds all the while hoping that life will just bring them everything they need.  It doesn’t work like that.  I believe the universe and everything in it is self-referential, it is learning about itself through us. So we need to have a grasp on how our environment communicates to us and as with the science of epigenetics we have to have awareness of what switches off and on those genes that allow us not just to survive but to actually thrive and be liberated. Those gaps of potentiality are waiting for us to fill them.

There are many, many things that switch off our ability to successfully move forward and be clear conduits – stress and all manner of emotional boulders usually being the first, closely followed by the photon building properties of the foods we eat.  Photons are a quantum of light and the more naturally close to nature we eat our foods, the more the photons from the sun have penetrated our foods as it has with all raw and uncooked foods. Then the more light or biophotons we have in our cells can then transform and transmute enough electrical conductivity to produce health and longevity. Our cells can gather light from the universe and within our own biology to become a catalyst for growth and change. If you smoke, drink, eat tons of denatured foods like sugar, cakes, fried food, breads etc then our cells become clogged and lose their ability to hold light. The minute you cook anything, the biophoton availability is mostly completely lost. Our cells then lose the ability to replicate and our telomeres, which are the end caps of our chromosomes, then shorten and entropy beyond repair. We actually have a lot of control over what will determine our health just by choosing what we allow into our bodies. And subsequently what emotional states we allow to enter or leave our bodies can also be the deciding factor in true holistic health.

So ‘going with the flow’ is actually not the easy walk in the park that some make it out to be.  It can often involve a lot of work behind the scenes to become that clear channel we seek, to become that ‘superconductor’ of life energy. To truly go with the flow we need to go deeper and look at our fear and stuckness because if we are not doing any action to achieve our dreams then it’s highly unlikely the flow is going to happen. If you feel stuck in your life and you are not doing anything to get out of this, then unfortunately you will create more of the same.  If we are not creating then we are living within a slow drone of desperation, a subtle boredom where our hearts, souls and minds are not ignited in the ways that are potentially possible. 

It is our divine right to create.  The universe gets to know itself intimately through our creations and in the myriad ways we human beings express our light.  What would you like your gaps of potentiality to contain? Who do you want to be?  What do you want to contribute to the world?  How do you want to show up in the world and how do you want to flow? We are so much more than just a storybook of the life we’ve already had.  What about the life waiting in the wings for us? The life we can step into that is not based on the limited views of ourselves, of others or society?  The potential is in our DNA – it is in our grasp.

 

The House of Proust

Death is beyond words.  It is a silent punctuation, the speechless metaphorical funeral that we re-live time and time again.  People often turn to poetry to articulate the transcendental, nameless faces of death.  Death is bewildering for the mind to comprehend. The mind always seeks to control, to attach to something, to make sense of what we experience. It cannot begin to fathom how a living, breathing structure of humanness can be here one minute and then – Poof! – it renders itself invisible to us in the next. Death is evanescent, one minute life stands in front of us, reaching out, beckoning us to come closer and then in a nanosecond it is snatched away, just a collection of sub-atomic particles dissolving into the ether – nothing substantial left to grasp, or hold or hug. It is no longer ours, it is part of the cosmos, a wave of atmospheric fluctuations.

Grief is the tattooed remnant, the stamp that remains. It is a blistering culmination of not just love, but sometimes, unresolved regret, guilt, anger and resentment. It is a soup of emotional condiments that vie for our attention.  Usually when someone dies we are often left with an overwhelming feeling that we don’t know what to do with – the feeling being that we are alive so what do we then do with that?  Guilt usually gets its elbows back in and needles us back into the throes of grief. How dare we feel grateful for being alive when we have lost something so valuable?

For many of us we don’t believe death is the end.  We believe it is the beginning – of another chapter at least.  When I undertook my in-depth shamanic training, death was a constant within the teachings.  We were taught that death was an ally.  In many cultures, particularly Native American and South American shamanic cultures, they believe that we should honour death daily and to keep it at close quarters.  “It’s a good day to die” they say. Those in the West would believe that this was a morbid statement and best nervously avoided.  It’s actually a beautiful affirmation that we need to be living our lives as if this day might be our last, being present in it from moment to moment no matter what arises.  Because after all we don’t know how long we will be here before we shuffle off this mortal coil.  Do we want to be spending our last day or moments in misery and anger – a joyless crease that takes over not just our faces but our lives? 

The shamans urge us to befriend Death, to know it intimately, to let it guide us and to let it teach us moment to moment on how to live.  It’s not just about the loss of a beloved one, or the loss of a human life.  It is the things within that need to come to an end, to dissolve into the ether. The mini-deaths we all need to experience whilst we are alive.  The erroneous beliefs we have taken on from a society that constantly niggles us that as every minute goes by we are more and more powerless, redundant and infinitely screwed!

I am going through many deaths at the moment, people I know are leaving or have left this plane of existence and there is always grief surrounding that.  But on a more personal level I am dying to many aspects of my being that were no longer serving me. Old belief systems that were very insidious and some buried deep in my psyche are doing their final waltz before they eventually retire their dancing shoes.  I am monumentally in the throes of death, aspects that are dying as I approach my power years.

I have never felt the way that many women feel about age or getting older.  I feel, and I believe, I am infinitely improving with age like a specially cultivated fine wine.  I look after myself and always have done and that makes me feel good. I love the wisdom that comes with age and I enjoy the way I look and how I feel about my body. But none of us are immune to the disempowering images, dialogues and myths surrounding women who are approaching their menopausal years.  I am not yet in menopause, I am peri-menopausal, and I could have many more years before I am officially in menopause. So it’s a perfect time to release those misguided, limiting beliefs. 

I am dying to a lot of the old views around how women are supposed to be. I believe that my best years are yet to come.  However, I noticed myself thinking recently about how society has been brainwashed about how women are supposed to decline once they hit menopause – the middle aged spread, the layer of fat, the thinning hair, the brittle skin and dry vagina, hot flushes and general hysteria that is supposed to be a constant unwelcome visitor.  And I have ceremoniously decided to say: “Nope, no thank you not me!” 

As Dr Christianne Northrup, author of the book “Women’s Bodies, Women’s Wisdom”, said recently: “Beliefs are far more powerful than our biology”.  Beliefs change our biology. That’s often why when a doctor tells a person they only have 6 months to live then if that person wholeheartedly believes this as gospel, then that time frame will mean everything. Because to believe that the medical system and doctors know more about your own body than you do renders you in an infinitely vulnerable powerless position, where you will believe that an outside source can predict your future. So unless you can unplug yourself from that belief then the chances are that your biology will follow your beliefs.

There are many disempowering beliefs that I personally don’t really believe but yet I have in some way absorbed that are like a Chinese whisper that explodes tiny splinters in my head. I have been scouring my back catalogue, the memories that were formed before I had decided who I wanted to be. The historical beliefs of my family, myself and the time I was raised in. The beliefs that all speak the language of lack and constraints, of heavy artillery that I do not want to carry to my future. 

It’s a belief that belongs in the Matrix that speaks of the prison of the mind that shows up in our life as a lack of élan, a lack of embodiment, a lack of energy and a lack of well, just about everything.  And just like in the film we have to choose the red pill and unplug from that consensual reality and break out of the prison of the mind.  Everyone living on our planet has subconsciously absorbed disempowering beliefs about the progression of life, of getting older and of how we are supposed to feel and look as we hurtle toward our eventual death.  Look at the way society treats older people, especially women. We are supposed to be obsolete once we can no longer birth other beings.  Many older people in our society feel ignored and in some perennial state of abandonment.

In shamanism they don’t look at old age the way our modern culture does.  They believe that the majority of people never really know themselves or that they have not forgiven themselves, or others – or even life – and therefore they die in some form of disarray and confusion of the mind. The accumulated baggage that has never been washed, cleaned and ironed.  We literally die of a surfeit of our accumulated shit.  Beliefs that stay buried beneath the surface that keep us plugged into a mass belief system that speaks only of dis-ease and dis-regard at every turn.  The world systems in place don’t want powerful people en-masse. So they keep feeding us morsels that keep us incarcerated in our own constructs. And unfortunately many people of the world have believed this lie as truth.

We are force-fed to believe that getting older is just about the physical.  That it is purely about wrinkles marching dominantly across our face or a battle with the bulge, or the diminishment of our mobility – that our bones and joints will literally crumble in our hands if we are not careful.  Many of us know that this does not have to be the way.  I have known many, many older people who could give any 20 year old a run for their money!

If we disengage from the Matrix we come to see that getting older is more about the focus on freedom; how free do we feel in our lives, in our bodies, in our sexuality, in our creativity, in our minds?

Unplugging ourselves from the Matrix can be sharp and distressing. Especially for some, if their whole lives have been invested in believing the hyperbole and fabrication of those in positions of power and that they must live a limited and modified life in order to be an upstanding citizen.  Any form of death is painful, or at least somewhat uncomfortable.  We have to surrender to something bigger than ourselves, for we don’t have all the answers.  Spirit can orchestrate an array of unexplained and unexpected scenarios our way for good or bad and we don’t yet understand how each one will play out.  It’s our job to be present, to be in full receipt of our consciousness, to monitor our thoughts and our beliefs with the accuracy of a hawk.  To remain unconscious creates unconscious situations in our lives. If we don’t know who we are and how we are plugged into misguided beliefs systems, how can we expect to wrangle ourselves free? 

Death isn’t always pretty but it is always symbolic – emblematic of something far deeper in the workings of our lives and the universe.  There cannot be life without death and vice versa.  We cannot move forward without surrendering ourselves before the path that death will pave for us.  If we haven’t yet died to the limiting parts of ourselves then we cannot really live. Not being dead is not being alive either.  Life and death are of the same thread and it is up to us what we want to weave and create with those threads.  I have my eye on an expansive, multi-dimensional tapestry.  What about you? What will you weave?

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The New Dawn Of Clarity

For the last few months I’ve felt like I have been slowly smothered in a full length cloak of other people’s luggage – which has included their projections upon me and also their misconceptions of me.  I’ve felt cornered, choked and thwarted.  It was like a container that was full to capacity and finally burst its seams.

I felt contaminated with streaks and smears of black cloud dust that was worming its way into my mind and heart. I have since released myself from this energy and I feel a new found flexibility and sense of freedom.  My creative power has once again become prolific and unimpeded.

I have felt complete and utter gratitude for the wisdom gained and the opportunity to learn from these unpleasant experiences.  Many people find so much comfort in playing the ‘victim role’, pointing the finger and finding reasons to tear you down, which of course extricates them from the real business of taking responsibility for their own projections and behaviour. 

It’s so much easier for others to point the finger of blame – they are right and everyone one else is wrong.  They wear the victim badge with pride and hope to hypnotise anyone within ears reach of their subsequent misery. 

I am by no means perfect but I do always try to see both sides – sometimes a little too much.  I try to be gentle, open and honest when speaking my truth and my feelings.  But, like anyone, I can become frustrated when people are so wrapped up in themselves that they cannot see beyond the end of their own noses and you feel like you are banging your head against a brick wall.

It’s also very difficult to have true conflict resolution with behaviour that is erratic, unhinged and blinded by anger.  You will never be heard or consequently come out of the fire unscathed.  They are locked in a maelstrom of their own creation and nothing you can ever say will penetrate that.

I also had to deeply own the reality that I allowed myself to be pulled into the drama.  I allowed myself to become clouded, until I got the very serious message from spirit literally bellowing around my ears: “You are done here, the lesson is learned, no need to keep slogging your guts out, you’ve done more than enough”.

I feel immensely grateful and, although these experiences were unpleasant, it was the necessary growth I needed.  And I will never repeat the experience again. I can file it away with the rest of my learned past under the title “RIP”.  I needed to finally learn this lesson that has been active for most of my life and I’m so glad I did.  I needed to re-define in my own terms where to put my energy and my focus and the events had to unfold in the manner they did so as to be steered away from dark, fruitless, limiting situations that seek to employ only blame missiles in the hope you will be knocked from your position of power. 

Well I wasn’t knocked from my position of power, I was temporarily misplaced and I zig-zagged aimlessly around the perimeters of life until I was forced to take heed.  A large part of my journey in this lifetime is to remove the burden of ‘the cloak of responsibility’, the mistaken belief that every lost soul that comes my way I need to assist and literally bend over backwards to support.  I am not responsible for others.  None of us are.  We can be kind and giving without allowing others to drain our blood. 

I truly deserve to have the opportunities in life to state what I need and there is inherent beauty in that even if others will ignore or throw it back in my face or attempt to disavow me.  We cannot let that stop us.  It’s about us and not them.  Even if they constantly try to make it about them! It’s important to move on with no resentment or grudge-holding in your heart.  I have had to become unusually gifted at forgiving and letting go of animosity, I’ve had so much practice. My past was set up that way but I am so grateful because it has made me the person I am today.  I believe on some level I came into this life to learn forgiveness on deep levels and I have been very successful at that.  Forgiveness is an act of self-love – we do it for ourselves and not for anyone else.  We do it so that we may be free and clear to move on unobstructed by the past or the present.

A wise friend recently reminded me that “People can say whatever shit they want about you it’s not important, let it go, it doesn’t really matter in the large scheme of things”.  And she was right, it was another graceful reminder.  It all starts within us.  And besides, life is too short.  We can wish that much joy, happiness and abundance find them but we don’t have to be pulled into the abyss with them.

Becoming clear that we are not responsible for anyone else’s emotions, thoughts, feelings or actions is very empowering.  So is stating what we need in life and then being able to let go of the outcome.  Let Spirit take care of the details, it knows the exact situations and experiences that will enhance us.  When we know in our hearts what we want and it is not clouded by conflicting emotions or deranged feelings, when there is a clear channel of knowing we deserve more and we feel that with every fibre of our being, this sends a direct message out into the cosmos.  The universe is always listening. It wants to bring us more abundance.  I have found that once I peeled the dense layers of other people’s ‘shit’ away, that beautiful synchronicities began to show up in my life and that other people began to affirm their love and appreciation for me. I picked up my guitar again for the first time in years, I began drawing again and my writing flowed out of me in a perfect current of harmony.  Everything seemed to fall into place without me even trying.

Once we let go of how we need something to happen then the energies behind the scenes get to work to orchestrate our vision and intentions into form. Spirit and Life begin crafting the landscape of our present and our future.  But we have to be clear, not just clear in our minds but clear in our hearts too, the opposing elements need to be resolved. A clear conduit must be created.  When anything is blocked, the flow is impeded and it’s then harder to manifest the things we want and need. Our mind can want one thing but our hearts often don’t believe we really deserve it.  This is where the real work must be done.  But it is incredibly rewarding work.

Be clear and then let go. The Universe is waiting for the signal.

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The Source Of The Feminine.

There are wounded children everywhere and never more so than the children that have become adults.  Most adults are the walking wounded, to whatever degree, from the subtle to the cataclysmic.  Our mothers and fathers, for better or worse, shape our psyches.  They are our mirrors; our teachers; they show us the way – whether that is into a gutter or up an elegant marble staircase. The Mother and Father wound exists everywhere in our world, on the microcosmic and the macrocosmic level. From our relationship to the Earth and its subsequent destruction, to the raping of her resources and pillaging of her bodily contents, and from our disconnection to the ineffable divine. If we all honoured and revered our relationship to the divine, not one single person would ever kill another human being again, let alone rape, torture, subjugate or annihilate.

Because most of us have never got what we needed, it is often harder for us to create that afresh in our own lives as adults. It often doesn’t come naturally to us. Our natural instincts are often askew. It is by no means impossible but it does take work and a lot of perseverance to reconnect to our inner selves and witness and heal the damaged parts.

If you were lucky and did manage to get proper nurturing and emotional sustenance as a child, then perhaps your conditioning is not so severe that you are able to view and handle struggles and challenges as a dance.  But how many people do you really see dancing and laughing through life’s challenges? Not that many!

What exactly is defined at the ‘Mother Wound’?

The mother wound is the pain or burden of being a woman passed down through generations of women in patriarchal cultures. And the high price of the dysfunctional coping mechanisms that are used to process that pain.  The mother wound is not about blaming our mothers, after all their inadequacies manifested through their own mothers and on and on marching backwards down through the lines of Time.

It is believed, and medical science has confirmed, that whatever the mother is feeling or experiencing during her pregnancy will be passed onto the child. The child feels it and thus it is taken into its tiny body and mind.  The developing foetus is like a sponge, every regret or fear, or unexpressed emotion, the child will absorb as if it were their own.  How a woman feels about herself will be passed onto her child.  The mother passes on her lessons to the child through her own body.  The mother and child are as one.  The baby gets the first experiences of how the mother really feels about herself: her womanhood, her sexuality, her creativity, her instincts and any unresolved issues. The unborn child absorbs the messages surrounding the mother’s sense of self, or lack of it.  And the child will more often than not carry the pain of her mother, her mother’s guilt and shame.

The mother’s job is to pass on the self-valuing, self-nurturing instinct to her child. A mother can only give to another to the degree that she has received, or allowed herself to receive in life.  If her own mother was a poor care giver, both emotionally and physically, then for the most part your mother will also have no concept of the ability to self-care and self-love and have instincts that are intact. 

How many women do we know, including ourselves, to whom self-care or self-value is not our natural state but something we have had to painstakingly learn? How many women do we know that run themselves into the ground with their ‘to do lists’ – taking care of everyone around them and then having little energy to really follow through on her own needs?  How many women, including at some point ourselves, that do not eat well, drink too much, smoke too much, take too many drugs, embark on unsatisfying romantic and sexual relationships over and over again? Often proclaiming loudly about being in control, proclaiming they have everything in hand but the evidence screams to the contrary!

The more that women value and nurture themselves the better mothers they will be and their entire lives will be richer. Society would have us believe that women should just give our all to others without asking for anything in return or without giving anything to ourselves and thank goddess this is changing. 

What are the effects of the ‘Mother Wound’ on women in society?

Many women are disabled by the feeling of comparing themselves to others, whether it’s people in their lives or public figures, so that they feel they’re not good enough or don’t have what so and so has got.  The shame and guilt of feeling that there is something wrong with you, that you must remain small in order to be loved and accepted.  The persistent sense of guilt they feel for asking and wanting more from life and the people in their life as if you have no right to it.  Many other effects include:

  • Having a high tolerance of mistreatment from others or consistently allowing others to let you down and disappoint you without asking for more from them. Often barely noticing until an observer points out just how much you are tolerating from others.
  • Not being your full self because you don’t want to threaten others or make others jealous, so you allow yourself to stay small.
  • Being overly rigid, uptight and dominating, needing to be in control of your own emotions, situations and your life in general at all times.
  • Being completely exhausted from giving to others, without any time or energy left for yourself. Becoming resentful of the time, energy or support you give to others that does not seem to be  reciprocated. 
  • Issues of not feeling worthy of creating what you truly desire in life and not feeling safe enough to take up space and express and voice your truth.
  • Fear of failure or disapproval that means you never actually go for what you want or need in life, there is always some excuse or some reason not to put yourself out there. Self-sabotaging thoughts and actions – you never finish anything you started.
  • Having weak boundaries, allowing others to walk all over you or manipulate you and having no real sense of who you are and allowing yourself to be defined by others or their opinions.
  • Can’t trust in life or others to bring you what you need.
  • No relationship with your own body or connection to your own sacred sexuality. No instinct about what it is you need on a day to day basis from food, drink, health practices, stress relief etc.  Or even if you do know, ignoring them as it seems too much effort.

We have internalised our mother’s unconscious beliefs about not being good enough as a woman or a human being. Even if you think on the surface that your mother was doing just fine, no one leaps into life fully formed – we all have to acquire our self-worth through consistent self-examination and time spent delving into the abyss of our feelings.  No one escapes this – not even kind, loving mothers.  If a mother does not know her own self, she passes on that lack of self-worth and emotional naïveté onto her child. 

Many women were born to emotionally fragile women. You might have believed your mother was strong and then a life event, maybe a divorce, a death or some sort of financial crisis and then suddenly you are aware that your mother was not able to cope with her emotions and you see her running to the Lands of Ethanol and Prescription Drugs in an attempt to control her ‘out of control’ feelings. Or maybe it was just a slow creeping state, where you saw your mother seek solace and relief in chocolate or food, alcohol, cigarettes in an attempt to push down her burgeoning feelings. If we saw our own mothers become fearful of life and their own emotional processes, we will also be fearful of losing control and of our own emotional depths. If we saw our mothers cry when they needed to and act with honesty, awareness, strength and love towards themselves then we will also have been imbued with the sense that difficult things happen but we can navigate through it, and that we also have tools to manage life’s events.

A woman often doesn’t understand why her life is not working, despite others telling her how much potential she has – it’s like a vague, nebulous feeling that you just can’t put your finger on but often what happens is that subconsciously a woman feels that if she asserts her own power and potential then she will be unconsciously betraying her mother and may possibly experience personal rejection by the mother. Even if the mother is not around anymore there can still be a subconscious belief in place that says in order to stay loyal we feel we cannot rise above her limitations  Coupled with the fact that the daughter is carrying much unresolved grief and guilt from the mother which she herself will never be able to metabolise.  We were never meant to metabolise another’s emotions – only our own. We often feel like we carry the weight of the world and we don’t know why.

We have all sensed the pain that our mother’s carry.  It is an unconscious coupling that has us falsely believe that we are partly to blame for it.   We sense our mothers have sacrificed themselves in some way to birth us and bring us up.  This sense of guilt was formed before we had the necessary cognitive development at our disposal. Children believe they are the cause of all things because they have no other fathoming.  As a child you believe the whole world revolves around you and thus if anything goes awry in that world then it must be your fault. You must be to blame and therefore you carry that with you as an adult – the complexities of guilt and the belief that you deserve to be punished.

Many women often feel that to unleash their power would trigger their mother’s sadness, rage or depression at having had to sacrifice so many parts of herself in her own life.  This is for the most part is a deep seated, unconscious fear around being powerful and how that might be perceived and received by those in our lives – particularly our own mother.  Even if we feel our mother is supportive of our creative and professional ventures, most of us worry that if we step into our full power and become the best version of ourselves would we then lose our connections?  For some people their connections with people are based around being a victim and bemoaning how awful and unfair life is.  What would happen if we didn’t want to engage with that anymore?  How would we converse with people, how would we relate to people? What would we talk about?

Like many of us, I had a mother who allegedly ‘didn’t do’ emotions – or so she believed!  Yet I have often felt like I was born into the fiery fist of angers choice. My memories consist of my mother swaying from anger to depression, often within a short space of time.  Mostly anger and black moods dominated the scene, this continued throughout my whole childhood and even to this day.  Excessive anger, depression or mental disorders are synonymous with those who find it difficult to process or be comfortable with any emotions that arise. Anger was my escort for my entire childhood and it was stuffed within the fabric of my development. It was a brooding presence that stained and eradicated all sense of hope.

Many women feel that they are simultaneously ‘too much’ and ‘not enough’ – often in the skip of a heartbeat. We feel we don’t measure up or that what we carry is too much for others to bear witness to.  I was always a sensitive child – an empath – and before I grew and cultivated my own anger at my mistreatment I was often scolded or chastised for crying or displaying anything other than numbness. Displaying of emotions was considered a mortal weakness in my family and community. 

I came into this world with all of my lights switched on intellectually, emotionally and spiritually and I was a constant source of others envy and jealousy because I did what came naturally to me – which was to shine my light.  I was a golden child that shone too bright and it apparently blinded many.  So through much brutal persuasion I realised that this would not be celebrated by those in the shadow of this light so I collected up every last ounce of it and stored it in a treasure chest in a secret location.  It felt like in my innocence and childlike exuberance to be in my natural state that I flew too close to the sun and got burnt to tatters.  So on came the dimmer switch to detract the pinched and grubby fingers that would constantly try to tear at the stitches of my exposed delicacies.

Whenever we consciously process our own pain, we liberate those around us, especially the mother/daughter relationship. A child must be free to pursue their own dreams without guilt, shame or a sense of obligation. Many women have felt that their mother’s pain is, if not our fault, then somehow our responsibility.  It creates co-dependency and this can cripple the daughter in so many ways as we then set the pattern that we need to mother our own mothers and we need to shield them from their own vulnerability.  This, as a daughter, is one of the worst things we can do.  Because we then often go out into the world mothering those we perceive as vulnerable or lost hence setting up a complicated pattern of dependency and abandonment.  We tend to over-care or over-give to those we meet who are not yet able to reciprocate, so we often feel disregarded or even exiled. 

We grow up with a distinct sense that life is one of diametrically opposing themes. A faulty structure that tells us we can be powerful but we will be hated and worse rejected and even possibly banished if we stand in our true power, not just from our family but our friends and our community too. But if we stay small then at least we will be liked and hopefully loved. If we do not speak up about our feelings, thoughts and beliefs we believe it will keep us safe.  Yes, it might keep us safe but there will be no growth. Microbiologists have observed that a cell can not grow when it is in protection mode.  As a collection of trillions of cells we are exactly the same. Growth and forward movement cannot happen when we are in protection mode.

Any rejection from our mothers, no matter how small, can often teach us to reject ourselves or that we are not worthy of love. A rejection of the Feminine teaches us to reject our own feminine.

A common objection to facing our wounds is to “Let the past be in the past.” However, we never truly ‘escape’ or bury the past. It lives in the present as the obstacles and challenges that we face every day. 

Our first enounter with the Goddess or the Feminine was with our mothers. If we avoid acknowledging the full impact of our pain and the patterns we have adopted from insufficient or mixed mothering in our lives, we still remain to some degree, children.

Coming into full empowerment requires looking at our relationship with our mothers and having the courage to break those patterns, even if you have a wonderful healthy relationship with your mother. The goal is to transcend her limitations and it will be the same with any children we have, their goal is to transcend our limitations. Healing the mother wound is about embracing ourselves and our needs without shame or embarrassment. We need to move beyond pointing the finger of blame and to examine the full impact of this relationship – especially if we want to take up full space in the world as naturally powerful, confident women that no longer apologise for taking up space or for who they are.

I’ve been unfortunate sometimes to have had friendships with other women who often tried to make me feel guilty if I wanted more than the meagre scraps they were offering me.  They would criticise, judge and even insult me, throwing many emotional pistols my way.  In retrospect I know that they were also struggling with the “I’m not enough” aspect of the mother wound.  It seemed to be a pattern in my life that I would more often than not attract women who were very jealous or envious of me, of my intellect, my connection to spirit, my openness and even and sometimes especially my love of glamour and the way I presented myself.  I often felt wracked with guilt that I made these women feel worse about themselves so I did what any woman with a truck load of abandonment issues would do – I played small and dimmed my light so as not to antagonise or threaten others. I hid myself emotionally so as not to court too much attention. 

Of course, now I know it wasn’t even about me, the hatred these women felt about themselves was as deep as the seabed and the waterline went straight back to the first female in their lives.  I know because I felt it too, I didn’t have the same jealous streak they had for me it manifested in the constant seesaw of believing I was ‘too much’ and that I would also never be enough, this was all internal. I have been a strong supporter of other women my whole life even if it hasn’t always been reciprocated.  Even when women hated the sight of me I never took away the merit of their gifts or talents, it wasn’t my domain to tamper with. I always knew that I was responsible only for myself and the more work I did on myself the more I realised that the buck always stopped with me. 

If I sensed a woman felt bad around me then off I would travel to plummet and forfeit my light and gifts into a giant hole in the ground so as not to elicit anger or disdain towards me.  I got scouted by a modeling agency whilst I was in Covent Garden with a friend one afternoon some years ago and the guy went on and on about the way I looked and would I consider coming to see them about some work they believed I could get. My poor friend looked like she had swallowed a foul mixture of defensiveness, envy and the immediate pain of not being acknowledged at all by the guy.  I felt mortified, embarrassed and ashamed that I was being singled out and my friend was being completely ignored so I dismissed the guy with a wave of my hand and pursued onward with my friend in tow.  The friend in question never uttered a word about it and neither did I.  It was as if it never happened.  Instances similar to this happened time and time again where I sensed someone’s envy or insecurity and then quick as a flash I pushed down my light and my talents. 

This was not noble or even selfless of me – it was just a survival mechanism.  Being bright, shiny and fabulous had never done me any favours, it had only brought harm and abuse.  It was a deep-seated fear that I would not be loved or even liked if I stood up and embraced my gifts, so out of fear I hid myself away, even if it was only metaphorically. I hid my light under a bushel, in a 20ft ravine!

My mother has always been jealous of me and took any opportunity to disavow me.  If I were ever to admit any of my achievements or subsequent talents then I was shot down like a military target for being arrogant or full of myself or so they would say.  In our family it is against the ‘unwritten law’ to say anything nice about oneself.  It is supremely and fundamentally outlawed.  I always sensed my mother’s deep hatred of herself, her body and her life even before she vocalised it.  My mother imbued me constantly with a sense of hatred, that our very flesh was ugly and pointless, pointing out all my ‘perceived flaws’ or that even if I had nice legs now that I would eventually get her ugly, flabby legs as she put it.  All of the women in our family are vehement with disgust for their own flesh, their own brains and any talents they have.  So I grew up never believing it was safe to shine and that I must also hate myself.  It was the same when I started primary school, other children seemed so jealous of what I had been born with, of how easy learning, processing and artistry was for me.  So I learnt that in order to be liked and loved one must remain small, keep one’s talents and gifts hidden in a receptacle that only you are witness to, and for heavens sake don’t let anyone else ever see it. You will surely die from the arsenal of envy that will be thrust your way – or so I believed.

I am still learning to embrace my talents and gifts when so many people seem jealous and envious of what I have been imbued with.  People have often commented that I have an intense brain and that I have an encyclopedic wealth of knowledge and they don’t know how I remember and process it all. I have always been made to feel that I shouldn’t bombard people and that I should downplay my intellect.  Some people look bewildered when I tell them things and I still often feel that people would prefer if I stayed small so as not to make them feel bad about themselves. Of course, they don’t realise they are doing it, their insecurity is a faulty dial I sense they would like me to reconfigure for them by dialing down by own power. Also conversely the amount of times that people have been shocked when I opened my mouth, as they assumed I would be dumb because of the way I looked –  because apparently you can’t wear red lipstick, rock a heel and a pretty dress and still be intelligent! I’ve had many people, and not just men I might add, comment that they couldn’t believe I had a brain because I looked so feminine. Thank goddess this is changing and that women are being seen as not just one thing or the other. My intense brain is part of my power, just as my sense of humour and fun, my love, my openness and my love of glamour.

I want to say yes to being a powerful and potent woman who no longer feels guilt about shining her light far and wide. Because if I can do it, then anyone can.  Part of healing the mother wound is about learning to mother yourself.  Cradle your deepest most painful emotions with the strength and softness of a loving mother.  What do you wish your mother would have done for you?  And then recreate it, do it for yourself by yourself.  You can go inward and visualise that inner child, that delicate, wounded, yet golden child that is sobbing for your love and grace and your extended arms around her. Speak with her, listen to her, surround her constantly with love and support.  We can’t move forward without honouring the neediness of our inner child.  Berating ourselves for our neediness or our vulnerability will achieve nothing but more pain and lack of self-worth.  To build self-worth we have to nurture ourselves, listen to ourselves and then act with kindness and love. We are only human, we won’t always get it right, we have to forgive ourselves. If you are having a bad day or a bad experience don’t chide yourself or berate yourself into just getting on with it. Honour your experience, learn from it and hug yourself like a loving mother would do.

I am learning to catch myself every time I deny my own worth so as not to make someone else feel bad about themselves.  It’s not my responsibility to take on the insecurity of others, I can only deal with my own.  Over the last couple of years I have been developing a solid inner mother, who is providing solace, unconditional love and support to those still unhealed aspects of myself.  When I feel or someone points out that ‘I’m too much’, then instead of finger blaming I turn inward and assure that ‘unmothered child’ that she is not too much, she is enough and that whatever it is I have, the world needs it.  The world needs all of our talent and light.

 When you ignore your pain you ultimately ignore and reject yourself.  You can always have a wonderful mother, even if your mother is not here physically or emotionally.  Mothering yourself means that you can go out into the world with a sense of power and awe because you know you are there for yourself and that there are no more apologies for the very woman you are becoming. Sufficiently mothered children never apologise for who they are. They celebrate and shine without shame or guilt. The world needs your goddess given talents, your earthly gifts and your cosmic infused light.  You owe it to the world to shine as bright as you can.

https://www.instagram.com/lunabellatahni/

The Art of Listening.

 

I entered the threshold of this brand new year and felt it bash me over the head with a mighty dose of grief, anger, frustration and sadness.  I was caught off guard, but as is the way with emotions they are not polite or concerned about whether we are ready for them. And so I allowed them to stretch out and take up space within me. 

I am still feeling the pinpricks of the ‘mother wound’ etching tiny holes into my emotional panorama. At times it left me feeling hopeless, grief-stricken and bone-weary.  Most of us struggle or have struggled with the ‘mother wound’ which I’d like to talk about more fully in my next post.  But for the time being I’d like to express how that has manifested in my interactions with other females.

Late last year I had been thinking so much about the historical, emotional and spiritual evolution of women.  I was so empowered and proud that women everywhere were speaking up about their subsequent mistreatment and what an amazing thing this was to witness.  It got me thinking about equality and more pertinently equality in our own personal lives. Are our relationships equal?  Is there an equal amount of reciprocity?  Do we have the right to ask for more for ourselves?   Equality always starts within.

There is an extraordinarily gifted healer I work with regularly and on our last session he proclaimed to me that I didn’t have the right friends in my life and that it was 80% about them and 20% about me. I actually laughed out loud like he was relaying to me a funny Greek Tragedy but then I remembered that I was the main actor!  ‘Hmm’, he said, ‘but that will change, it’s related to your mother, they will leave and the right ones will come’.  He said it all so matter of fact. Bish, bash, bosh! His words have reverberated sonically around my head for the last eight months.

Of course it’s not funny at all, it’s actually one of the last remaining ‘wounds’ I’ve yet to successfully heal fully. But for the most part he was right and it’s always been that way for me, ever since I can remember and of course the core of this issue relates directly back to my mother. I’ve always felt like a starved, anorexic woman when it comes to reciprocation of support. Apart from with my partner I’ve never really been allowed to fully take up space in interactions on an on-going basis.  Since my early adolescence I always did the running in friendships.  It became exhausting always chasing people, always having to make the effort, always being the one to do all the legwork.  Always hoping that if they hadn’t heard from me in a while that they would be the ones to check in to see how I was but they never did. It seemed like I was on a marathon hoping I would win the race but I never did.

The constant effort on my part was disabling and I was left to wonder ‘what was I doing wrong?’  Of course I now know that I didn’t do anything wrong but I did have a pattern set up within me that I was to consistently be abandoned and disregarded by other females and so it continued, always making the effort for people’s Birthdays and at Christmas and special events and when it came to me – the broken promises, the disappointments – I was always lucky if anyone remembered or even bothered with my birthday, let alone any other significant times.  And this has more or less continued in varying shapes and forms. 

The open page for me is the one space I can be myself, where I am not interrupted or someone is not immediately bashing me over the head with their own story before I’ve even got two sentences out.  A lot of people become writers to inspire and inform others but also as a way to allow themselves to be heard.  To allow themselves to take up space that might not be available for them in their lives or in the world at large.

It has always felt like my whole life was shaped to just be an open space for others to drop into whenever it suited them – or whenever they needed something from me.  And when I did state my need for equal rights, for some degree of equality, the amount of times I’ve been called over-sensitive, insecure or “too much” are too numerous to mention.  It was as if I existed for them but that I was also non-existent with no right to my own needs.  It always felt as if they resented that I was asking them to step up, trying to make me feel guilty or wrong that goddess forbid I was I asking that they be there for me when I needed it. But that was okay because they got what they wanted and I was left to wander around my own emotional attic cutting myself on every sharp object within reach.

So of course over the years this translated within me that perhaps they were right that I had no right to having my own needs met. That I should just get on with it and be grateful for any scraps and so I swallowed this truth for years. Even though I spent years listening to their needs and listening endlessly to their insecurities and over-sensitivity. I remember a friend years ago bemoaning to me for about 20 minutes how sad and upsetting it made her when friends forgot or made little or no effort for her birthday and on and on she went and I wholeheartedly agreed with her.  This would have all been fine and dandy, were it not for the fact that this friend in question could never ever remember my birthday. The irony!  I think at the time I was too shocked at her complete lack of awareness to even muster anything in retort. 

Birthdays are always an emotional time for me – not in a negative way – but it’s a time when I can stare myself square in the face and say “Wow you made it, you are still here what a gift that is”. I want to proclaim it loudly to the people in my life.  Most people love being made a fuss of on their birthdays, and even the ones who say they hate their birthday – which is usually their fear of getting older – secretly love being acknowledged.  After all it’s a celebration of life, of our lives.  For me, most people don’t get what it’s taken for me to get here.  I was a mistake, created from a disastrous, abusive, dismissive relationship.  I was not supposed to be here, I wasn’t wanted.  I almost died when I was born.  I was choking to death.  I also had two dislocated hips a result of the aggressive use of forceps which damaged both my hips and gave me severe dents in my skull.  So had it not of been for my grandmother (who had the wherewithal to firstly notice that something was wrong and then secondly to proceed to stretch, yank and adjust my hips back into place with an intuitive precision) I would have been disabled, because not one of the hospital staff noticed my predicament.  I then spent most of my life trying to run from trauma by drinking, taking more drugs and mixtures of drugs than anyone I knew and stretching the boundaries of life and death constantly.  I surmised that I would never make it to 30. I didn’t want to.  I flirted with death for most of my life, actively pursuing it and even making attempts to nudge it along.  But thankfully I am still here and for that I want to celebrate and feel that people in my life should want to do that with me. I’m in their lives because I had the courage of a warrior to meet the face of death and decide to choose life. I always feel upset when people don’t get that, instead only choosing to see the things I can do for them to enhance their lives.

I’ve met some amazing people over the years but I’ve never really had amazing friendships, not ones that were consistent anyway. Ultimately though I believe it’s the energies running within me that are spiraling out like a giant photocopier giving me the mirror of what I believe I deserve, which obviously has been ‘not very much at all’.  I often feel the constant craving for more depth and sustenance and I realise for some that’s just not possible.  They haven’t scoured the depths of their own being.  I know people are just doing the best they can with the given circumstances. People can only give to you to the degree that their own hearts are open. But does that mean we shouldn’t evaluate the quality and equality in our interactions?  To love ourselves enough to know we deserve to be valued and honoured as an important part of someone’s life. 

How many of us are going through the motions in relationships, friendships, interactions, feeling disappointed, frustrated and empty? I’ve had these conversations many times with friends and associates in my life and each person will relay to me stories, instances and ongoing circumstances where they themselves feel let down or frustrated with other peoples lack of thoughtfulness or lack of acknowledgment.  So I know it’s affecting many of us. There is this disconnect all around us when our natural proclivity is to connect.

So why do we put up with it? As women we have been drip-fed to just allow scraps. Women have swallowed this for years, just accept the crud and crumbs in life, be grateful for any small thing you can get. It’s unrealistic to expect more.   And yes there is a lot to be said about gratitude but what happens when you actually realise that you deserve a lot more than you are getting? 

It all boils down to believing we deserve it.

My mother has disregarded, ignored and scorned my feelings, thoughts and emotional depths for the entirety of our relationship, constantly attempting to make me feel guilty for being ‘a feeling being’.  So it’s no wonder I could never believe that other women would honour and value me. So I took matters into my own hands, learning to honour and value myself and as it stands today I’m at the juncture of acceptance and non-acceptance. I can accept when people are genuinely trying their best but I don’t need to accept when people are selfish or just take me for granted.  The marker for me is how I feel after spending time with someone. Do I constantly feel drained?  Or even if I have only got to reveal 20% of me, am I okay with that?  Sometimes I am and sometimes I’m not. It depends on who the person is.

I hear you but are you listening?

How many faux friendships are people having in the modern world?  Social media can be a minefield of pretentiousness and superficiality. We actually forget what real relationships look and feel like.  How many of us are pretending to ourselves that people care for us, yet we bemoan constantly about others not being there for us – yet still we tell ourselves it’s better than nothing.  Rather than having no one we would rather have anyone.  Even if that anyone is as emotionally available as a dishrag!  Women have been doing this for years in their romantic relationships and it’s the exactly the same with friendships.

I’ve always said the greatest gift anyone can ever give me is to listen – I mean really listen – not this pretend listening, where they just hear your words and then rush onto the next subject immediately after or bring it back around to themselves in some form.  My mother always spoiled me with physical gifts in an attempt to control me and buy my love.  She was always generous with money and present buying but I would have swapped all those gifts in a heartbeat for her to just simply listen to me, to give me space to talk and breathe and reflect back to me. This is worth all the money and presents in the world.

Sometimes in our modern world, listening feels like a dying art form.  Modern day communication is about short, snappy sharing – you share, I share and then we move on.  This is not listening – you might have heard the words but hearing and listening are two completely different things.  Listening requires space.  It requires that there is an open door to walk through and amble around and stretch the edges of who you think you are to meet the edges of who you know you can be.

It’s not very popular this kind of listening, because it takes skill – a considerable amount of skill. And it requires us to learn this. Most people haven’t the time or the inclination for this. But if it’s deeply sustaining and nurturing relationships – romantically or friendship wise – we seek then we must all put the time in.

When another is talking are you running a commentary in your own head about what you want to say to fix them?  Even if it’s done with a kind heart of wanting to help the other person it’s not really listening, it’s hearing them but you have covered over the nuances without realising. In a way it’s still about them and not about you. I personally don’t want solutions or fixing unless I have directly asked for someone’s opinion. Or are you thinking about what you want to say, or about your own experiences or story, whilst the other person is talking?  If you want to learn to really listen then the nuances are in the spaces between words, the energy behind the words, the body language, the tone of the words.  Can you be fully present with the other person?  Can you relax into the energy that the other person is emitting, even if it’s uncomfortable for you?  Or are you on a sprint to the finish line?

In a modern world where everyone is jostling to be heard and acknowledged, it’s usually Bam! Bam! Bam! from one story to another without any space in between.  No time to draw breath, no time to digest what the other is saying and another underrated skill of listening is reflecting back to someone pertinent moments that you witnessed, about them and not what it brings up for you. Let it be about them, time can always be created for saying what their words brought up for you, or any shared experiences. We can have a similar issue but no two people will feel exactly the same.   Reflecting back to someone is one of the most powerful and important parts of communication.  Sometimes even just a simple “I really hear you” said with love, can make all the difference.  I often feel people are bewildered, flustered or uneasy when I tell them my back story – where appropriate – or I talk about some of the ways I am healing myself. I think they misinterpret that I am looking for sympathy or a “good for you” pat on the back.  I’m not looking for either of these, but yes I am looking to be seen and witnessed. I can sense the discomfort which then in turn makes me feel uncomfortable and then immediately it’s about the other person again. I think so many people haven’t dealt with their own pain, they are so busy pushing it away or pushing it down into the depths of the basement that to hear or really listen to anothers pain is a source of anxiety or discomfort for them.

I feel like in way I was forced to learn to listen, I didn’t have a choice.  However, it did always come naturally to me but it wasn’t always welcome.  Others constantly told me things – long, long stories about themselves and their lives and I could always sense the gaps between and around the words that they spoke.  If their words interacted with their heart energy and sensing whether they were speaking from the heart or the head.  Most of the time people never really say what they mean.  They will tell you about a story or an experience and within the jumble of words they are really screaming “I am fucking hurt do you hear me?” Why don’t we all just say that? We need to own our pain before we can let it go, instead of relaying a story and then ending it with “but it’s all good” or some other pointless act of disregard. Because how can it all be good? If so, you wouldn’t be taking the time to tell me this.

For me, meditation and silence are very beneficial but I can also find myself and my way out of any perceived maze I’m in through talking. By just being allowed to talk without any interruptions. Because I am a loquacious person by nature but often forced to just be a pair of ears or use my voice to comment only on the concerns of others, I feel my voice has been silenced over the years.  It has never been allowed its full extension.  I have felt that my own physical voice has been papered over and when I do use it it’s usually to offer someone guidance, support, or nuggets of wisdom. It’s often only fully let out of its cage when I am with my partner, he is utterly magical in his commitment to allow me to ‘be heard’ and for my voice to be witnessed. He will let me meander, roam and often ramble away until I find that piece of white gold I am looking for.  It’s always like a healing experience to be allowed space to roam in. I have had so many ‘Aha!’ moments in this open space, so many discoveries about who I am in this golden silence that he provides.  Sometimes I’ve talked in circles and been blundering through sentences, but then the energy shifted and I knew exactly what I needed to do, everything suddenly became crystal clear. The open space was my guide.

It takes long hours of listening and sometimes years of listening to really ‘understand’ and ‘get someone’. People think they know you when in actual fact they don’t, their opinion is based on their perception of you which is understandable when so much remains unsaid, when people rush on with the urgency of one story after another without any bus stops in between and then what usually happens is the words eventually slam into one another causing a head-on collision.  Getting to know someone is a delicate dance of unraveling.  It takes time, effort and commitment and often with a truck load of tea and cake involved!

Hearing and listening have become my most over-used muscles.  If I were a body builder I would have rock hard biceps with severe lactic acid build-up and be incapable of lifting another weight ever!  And sometimes even with the best will in the world I think “Oh god, here we go again, another listening session where I will have to listen more than I talk”. I leave the so called ‘therapy session’ and whilst they are flying I’m left feeling drained and exhausted. I don’t want to do that anymore.  I am a person who has so much to say and not just by simply reciprocating on someone else’s issue. I am tired of living a muted life.  It’s just too much to bear any longer. I need to express myself – it’s a pre-requisite.

I also acknowledge that perhaps others might find it hard to give to me because they think I don’t need anything or that I’m a one-woman show. I’m not.  But I am an only child, forced to be a loner for endless years who had to deal with everything herself. I never had the luxury of support, so often I don’t let others in, not because I don’t want to but because it’s my default setting, or I doubt they can really listen to me or the pain I share.  That, coupled with being knocked sideways over and over again by the weight of others expectations and the intensity of their problems, makes me feel that I’m probably not as effusive about any struggles vocally as I would like to be. I’ve been burned so many times when I’ve revealed aspects of myself and my life only to be disregarded or abandoned. I tend to shut down when I know there is not the space for me to be heard, when there is not the equality I seek. Sometimes I need coaxing out of that space, that I need to know it’s safe to reveal and obviously that requires awareness on the other persons part. I always deeply appreciate when people try to get to know me and try to give me what I need. This always means a lot to me.

I often find it interesting that if I’m angry or in a bad mood or I have some issue I’m dealing with friends will avoid me like the plague instead of doing what I would do and say “Are you ok, you don’t seem to be yourself today, what’s up?”   Sometimes I need to be drawn out with questions.  I really love people I know to genuinely ask me questions – questions about my life and myself. It doesn’t even have to be that deep – sometimes even the basics will suffice as long as it’s natural and not forced.  I’ve always taken an interest in the details of other people’s lives but it’s not always been reciprocated.  Maybe people feel it’s prying, but if you are asking them questions surely it should be an open invitation that they can do the same to you? It seems obvious to me.

I’ve always found that people have a vested interest in me continually being a beacon of light, or an inspiration to them.  But if I’m not my absolute best self then it’s of no interest to them – they feed off the light I offer like vampires and if my light is lying in the shade for that day then my role is defunct, they don’t want to hear if I’m having a bad day or I’m going through something.  But I don’t have to engage in that energy any longer. 

I have decided this year to give myself the equality I seek. Every day without fail, especially the times when I feel lonely or abandoned, I try to check in immediately, offering myself kind words and affirming to my inner child that I hear her, that I’m listening to her and that I will never abandon her like my mother has done to me.  I tell her over and over again that I will never leave her and I will always support her.  Forming a relationship with this vulnerable part is so important.  It’s the groundwork for healing the ‘mother wound’.

My wild woman within no longer has any interest in being ‘perpetually domesticated’ or being seen as the sweet, good girl anymore. Or being seen as the gentle healer.  I have gentleness but I also have fire, a mountain of volcanic fire that I would like to use to cut through bullshit and fakeness, to use to create the life I want and impact the world for the greater good.  I’ve spent my whole life doing things I don’t want to do, for others who don’t give me the appreciation or reciprocation I deserve.  It’s just not something I am prepared to do anymore. I am tired to the bone.

Maybe people will think I’ve become hard or call me harsh but that’s okay, I don’t need to please anymore. I am sure in time I will find balance in my sweetness and my fierceness.  Why can’t I be fiercely sweet? My free time is the most precious, abundant commodity I have, I want to use it wisely and only with people and experiences that I have 50-50 equality with – not an 80-20 discrepancy. If I want to support someone I will, but only because it comes from a full heart. This is something I think every over-giver must learn. Giving because we feel we have to is a no-win situation for anyone involved. Don’t let anyone make you feel bad or guilty for wanting more and for not having the energy to tolerate lack of depth or fakeness any longer. Part of healing the mother wound for many women is no longer feeling guilt for wanting more in their lives and refusing to stay small in order to be loved and accepted.

Giving back to myself is the only way I know I can create the energy of abundance in my own life that I feel I deserve. I need to take up space in my own world first and then it will follow through to everything else.  This ‘mother-wound’ will fully close in time and it’s usually when one has completely let go of needing something that it’s then free to enter our lives in a beautiful, unbroken line of energy. Any wound we still have is an opportunity to heal to become whole again and ultimately this is a gift.

So whether this healer was a 100% correct and people will leave my life for new ones to enter, or whether he was incorrect – I’m ready either way. I have so much to give, and to give to the right people in my personal life is an honour and a blessing.  I have so much I want to offer the world but it always has to start in our own circles before we can have the sustainability to give consistently in the outer world.  We need those allies, those friends and especially those sisters that we find and gather around us who know our strengths and our weaknesses and love us anyway, providing a safe haven where we can grow and flourish from.  I wish that for all of us, not just myself.

 Equality begins within before it can spread throughout the world.

https://www.instagram.com/lunabellatahni/.  Check me out on Instagram.

On the Brow of a New Beginning.

As I prepare to celebrate Saturnalia and its many delights, the yearly life review continues. I am filled to the brim with gratitude for the year that is preparing to retire.  I have become lighter in body and mind.  I have unburdened myself from many of the elements and people that gave very little to me yet expected the world in return. I love myself enough now to have boundaries, to say the internal and external No and also to state the clear Yes.  I know exactly what hinders me and what enhances me, both within myself and outside of myself.  I don’t care much at all about being liked and in certain circumstances I don’t care at all.  I only care about what allows me to thrive and creating that in my life.

I am deeply grateful to anyone who has read my blog, my writing and my instagram posts over this last year.  Expressing myself out in the world has been such a big celebration for me.  People have been telling me for years that I should ‘out’ some of my wisdom. I never felt ready until this last little while. And even though I started this blog as a way to reach and connect with more women this hasn’t happened in the ways I had hoped – yet!  I still believe it will on some level and perhaps not in the ways I expected.  Even if you read my blog and didn’t like or understand it I still honour that you showed up and you took the time.  That you were curious and open enough to peer in and it’s absolutely okay if you didn’t like what you saw.  We are all unique and each person must find what works for them.  In writing this blog I wanted to share some of my struggles, some of my triumphs and to share that I wholeheartedly believe that we are all in this together.  I am for all women who are opening their hearts, wanting to not merely survive but to thrive in a world that is often not supportive of that.

I am so happy and grateful to the people who have enjoyed my apothecary creations and keep coming back for more.  Thank you so much.

I am also deeply grateful for those in my life who have supported and encouraged my writing and especially my two beautiful friends, Tallulah and Jade who have both taken the time and commented consistently on my blog and the content of my posts over and over again. It means such a lot to me that they have supported me like this.  I began this blog not just to express myself but for us women to create a dialogue, to create discussion to meet around the cyber campfire and share, not just moan about how terrible life is but to objectively share our difficulties, our abundance and our gains.  To see where we have been and where we now want to go in our lives. 

There have also been those people in my life that have not even bothered to read or support my writing and my exploration into the big cyber world. And even to those people I am deeply grateful because I have finally decided I deserve more than just the crumbs in friendships and this is not something I am prepared to allow anymore. It’s been a huge learning process for me.  If you aren’t interested in my creativity then you are not interested in me, simple as that.  My creativity is who I am, or at least a very large part of who I am. One does not separate the other.

I have also received on several occasions the comments from people I know that state: “It’s very long or it’s very wordy”.  As if I should somehow rectify this immediately so to accommodate them and the world of any verbose tendencies. I happen to love the English language and as a child I was continuously undermined, criticised and bullied for being wordy: “Oooh, swallowed a dictionary have we?” Well yes perhaps, but maybe you should swallow one too and then we could converse!  I shut off this side of myself for many years – unless with people I knew very well – almost ashamed of my ability to be effusive and boundless with my words.  At the end of the day its all about expression, language is a beautiful form of expression and I’m not about to go around shouting whatever colloquialism is being bandied around at this current time just to be accepted.  I love the nuances of language. Language nurtures me and allows me to find understanding and voice the plentiful ways of my emotions, thoughts and feelings. 

I read a thing recently about how to be a successful blogger that said: “Simplify your language, you don’t want to alienate people with big words!” And my response to this is that amazingly there are many, many intelligent people who love language and if they don’t know a word – just like when I don’t know a word – they will go straight to the cyber dictionary and find out. Not all people are stupid or lazy, contrary to popular belief!  Many of us just want to express ourselves.  I often have to smile wryly to myself – especially as these are often the people who take up so much space with their own looping dramatic stories that there is little room for me.  I’m sure it would be more convenient for them if I made myself smaller to accommodate them or the world at large, make myself more amenable, and pour all of my vastness into a sound bite, a short, snappy phrase or a meme.

Not a chance in hell! I refuse point blank. I’ve clawed myself up from beneath the soil to stand on this earth, from a place that dictated that I stay quiet and pretend to be powerless. So I am not about to make any apologies for any lengthy posts or writing I might share.  I’m done apologising for who I am.  I’m taking up space here and now on this page and I celebrate that. I have given myself permission to be seen and heard. If you don’t like it I honour you, it is absolutely your choice and there are millions of other articles and writers that you could tap into.  I genuinely hope you find what resonates with you.  We are all on our journey.

So for the time being I am staying firmly put until such a time I decide I don’t want to do it any more.  This last year has been a wonderful irrigation process, it was occasionally messy and I was drenched with my shit, other people’s shit and wading through the sewer was not an environment I was that enamoured with.  But it needed to be done and I did it. And I came out clearer and, after I hosed myself down, a lot cleaner!

There is so much creativity, ideas and intentions percolating within me that might not spring to the surface until after the winter and I am fine with that.  I will make sure these dreams, ideas and intentions are tended to, fed and watered and nurtured with mineral rich creative soil. 

I have been immersing myself in the quantum field.  I believe we and everything in the universe are linked at a subatomic (quantum) level so we have access to any state or healing we desire.  This is now being explored scientifically but it’s something healers, visionaries and gurus have known for millennia.  I have been working on creating my life at a subatomic level, changing the energy in my cells through visualisation and through working with the universal love in the quantum field.  It’s very exciting and as I continue to study science I learn to bridge the gap between science and spirituality from a broader perspective.  I also think in the next year or two I might be ready to resume my healing practice.  I gave up being a traditional healer due to the fact I was operating from a ‘wounded healer’ energy as I had not given back to myself.  I had not filled myself up first, so I was continually operating from a deficit, a place of lack where I became more and more depleted. I know that there will always be people drawn to me for the healing space I create from my own filled heart without me even being always consciously aware of it.  But having stronger and more robust boundaries is always what is needed to be able to give more effectively and not become chronically depleted over and over again. I have written a whole book about my experience of this, that in the next year I would like to get out there through my own website, along with three other books I have written. Will keep you posted!

I cannot help but be a healer. It’s not something I have any control over, despite trying to shut it down within myself many, many times.  All throughout my life people have always told me things, whether I wanted them to or not – often complete strangers that generally want to share with me intimate details that they don’t share or haven’t shared with other people. They see in me a space to be held and seen.  And whilst this is a beautiful gift to offer others it can often be draining.  I saw being a healer as a blessing and a curse at times.  And whilst I am not an endless tap and I don’t want to get into patterns where people consistently offload without space or awareness for it to be reciprocated, part of my journey in this lifetime and particularly this year is that I AM a healer – it’s a simple as that – even if I don’t choose to charge for my services, it is reflected back to me day in and day out.  I cannot not be one, so I may as well embrace it but in a more empowered way, on my own terms. 

As this is the season of goodwill don’t forget about yourself!  What about goodwill to oneself?

If you are like me you love giving presents, spreading love and joy, giving hugs or whatever it might be. But don’t forget about yourself.  What goodwill would you give yourself that you would be willing to receive?  There are many things or elements we often know we want to let go.  But what element would you really like to bring into your life?

For me in 2018 I would like to continue deepening my experience of embodiment, of allowing my sensual and sexual self its deepest expression, allowing my creativity to continue to burst forth in ways that are congruent and joyful to me.  I will continue to develop and explore the quantum field perhaps even finding ways that I can pass onto others.  I will continue to learn and grow from love.  Allowing more and more downloads of light and love to enter my system and my physical and etheric body.  I don’t want to operate from that old paradigm that I am broken and need fixing.  I am not broken and never was! Yes there was a schism that needed to be bridged but even if we feel separate from life and it feels irrevocable, we are not.  We have to be willing to apply ourselves, to do the digging and sifting and then life has all kinds of rewards waiting for us.  And how about we give ourselves a reward, not just a new dress or physical item but an elemental item?  Something that will help us grow, something that is sustainable?  How about we give ourselves the freedom to say no, to say yes, to say I don’t know and do what we feel called to do. That’s a start.

The New Year is calling us.  What element do you want to bring into your life in this coming year?

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